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After writing a recent post about adoptive and birth parents meeting at reunion, I received some comments from John about some potential worries of adoptive parents. I would like to address some of his concerns because I believe that he brought up some good points. He mentioned some thoughts that are probably fairly common for adoptive parents.
Although some adoptive parents might be reluctant to admit or say so, I do think some resent birth parents appearing on the scene. They may believe that since they did the hard parts of raising their child, they deserve loyalty from their child and to be accorded the role of primary parent. John put it very nicely, but often, it is not phrased nearly as nicely as he did.
In blunter terms, some adoptive parents drag out the old, “I changed the diapers, wiped the snotty nose, blah, blah, blah…and so, I AM THE REAL PARENT.” Everyone knows that adoptive parents do all those things, no one needs to remind us. It is uncalled for, unkind and unnecessary to remind birth parents all that adoptive parents do. We already know. Most of us have parented other children and are very aware of what parenting entails. Even birth moms who did not have other children do not need to be told what parenting entails.
The clear implication is that because adoptive parents did all those things, they deserve respect and loyalty. If they were good dutiful and loving parents, I would agree that their children probably do consider them their “main” parents and are loyal and respectful to them. All children owe respect and loyalty to their parents; adopted children do not owe any more to their adoptive parents than other children.
Most adoptees that I know are super loyal to their adoptive parents. Sometimes even when adoptive parents have been horrible parents, adoptees are still loyal and respectful to them. Many adoptees are so loyal to their adoptive parents that they do not search until their adoptive parents are dead.
As for sharing your adopted children with birth parents at reunion, consider this. When your children marry, your children have in-laws and must split their time between families. In a sense you must share your children with in-laws, and in case you have not experienced this I can tell you that it is not always easy.
I knew an adoptive mother who was in agony because her adult son had reconnected with his birthmother. Regardless of the words she used, the underlying message was her fear that he would love her less. I think that this is an underlying fear for many adoptive parents.
We need to remember that love is limitless. My friend loved her bio son with all of her heart. She feared that it was not possible to love a second child as much, but she was wrong — her heart simply grew bigger. People with large families love every single one of their children with all of their hearts — their hearts just keep growing bigger.
No relationship that my adopted son has with anyone else will ever change what he and I share. I need not feel threatened by anyone, including his birthfamily. Like my friend, my son’s heart will grow bigger. Our capacity to love is limitless — we don’t need to exclude people from our lives to love those who are already in it.
Good topic!!
- Faith
“Our capacity to love is limitless –we don’t need to exclude people from our lives to love those who are already in it.”
Thanks Faith – too many people do not understand that and it is a huge problem in adoption.
You are right Faith. One of the problems in some older child adoptions is helping the child understand that he is not being disloyal to his birth parents if he allows himself to love his adoptive parents. One of my sons has RAD, it took us 10 years to connect. We have a great relationship, and it did not change his love for his birth mother at all.
Jan, you are sure right about the in-laws! Kind of like driving a car without a stearing wheel. Sometimes its best to be a passenger. Thanks for the topic.