Recently, as Jan was discussing how adoption can invade every part of our lives, a mother who considered placement spoke up. She is not the first mother to comment on these blogs that chose to parent after considering adoption while pregnant. In fact, we have seen quite a few of them come through our pages and the forums and I'm sure we will see more in the future. Why the draw back to adoption? Roni, a commenter on that post and new blogger, really hit the nail on the head as to what I believe is going on for some of these mothers:

I can't get the guilt out of my life and I HAVE MY SON!! I live everyday joyfully celebrating him, but my past adoption plans haunts me yet. It crazy how just seeing a newborn can spark a reminder of the adoption plan. I tend to give my son a BIG squeeze and be thankful I have him. My heart truly goes out to all you that can't do that.

Intriguing, saddening and compassionate all at the same time, I think what Roni is talking about is a form of survivor's guilt. Hitting up Wikipedia for an explanation hints as to what could be going on for these mothers:

the mental condition that results from the appraisal that a person has done wrong by surviving traumatic events such as combat, natural disasters, or even surviving a lay-off in a work place. The effect of survivor's guilt depends on the person’s own psychological make-up.

Not a natural disaster or a laying-off situation but, as many a birth mother would attest to, definitely a traumatic situation. An unplanned pregnancy often leaves expectant mothers (and fathers) to work in crisis mode which can be a hard experience in itself. To add in the process of making an adoption plan and then deciding to parent can definitely bring the trauma level up quite high. Not only do you have guilt for almost letting go of your child, which once you've held that child in your arms does feel like the most unnatural experience that you could imagine, but there is also some guilt surrounding how you may have let down any potential families that you had spoken with or gone through the match process.

And so, perhaps the reason that these mothers are drawn back to the subject of adoption is because they are acutely aware of what their lives could have been. Watching their now parented child hit those milestones while reading about mothers who are missing said milestones may be a reminder to be grateful for what they have in their lives. Or perhaps something has been stirred within them that wants to help foster change because of any injustices they were subject to during their own short-lived adoption experience. Maybe they, too, want to debunk the myths about mothers who place their children for adoption.

Honestly, when you think about it, while mothers who have actively signed the Termination of Parental Rights are frequently subjected to negative stereotypes, these mothers who once considered relinquishment and then chose to parent experience their own brand of societal hate. These are the women that "take babies back from the rightful parents." These are the mothers who are labeled as "scammers," even if they didn't end up taking any of the adoptive parents money. Not only are they privvy to comments about their supposed immoral sexuality but they are then called other nasty names because they have "caused" a failed adoption. Perhaps these mothers are feeling the same things we do, the heat of those negative stereotypes, and just need to know that they're not alone in how they feel. Perhaps they need to be told that they aren't really horrid people for doing what was well within their rights: parenting their own child.

Whatever the reasons these mothers feel for returning to the adoption world, to discuss topics or find solace, something is clear to me. Adoption changes your life. Whether you are just simply considering placement or you sign your name on the dotted line, it changes how you view topics such as parenting, children, and adoption in general. Adoption seems to be one of those things that grabs people and refuses to let go. For me, it's because I live it daily. Perhaps, for these mothers, it's because they could have been living it daily but, thank the heavenly stars, they are hugging their child and tucking him into bed every night.

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For more on how adoption is everywhere, read:

1. Adoption: Always There by Jan Baker.

2. Why Write About Adoption by Jan Baker.

3. Down Time in Adoption by Jan Baker.

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Wikipedia Reference to Survivor's Guilt. Photo Credit, Jason Engler.