I ended up having a conversation with some second grade twin girls about my son on Mother's day. Their mom was a bit embarrassed that they kept asking more and more questions, especially since it was Mother's day, but I felt like the conversation was there on purpose. A moment to acknowledge my whole mothering self and not just a portion that stays public. That being said, I was bummed by church because they stuck with the traditional love the mothers who actively mother, and there wasn't any reference to any type of mother who wasn't of that normative thought stream. No reference to mothers of loss, or mothers separated from their children, or mothers waiting to be mothers. I think I will try and work on that for the upcoming Father's day prayers.

I had to respond because you described the Mother's Day feeling perfectly...a hungover stupor.
My daughter is 21 and I placed her for adoption when I was 16 after ending the physically abusive relationship with her birthfather. No question, this was a life-changing event and I thought of her every day. For a while, I cried the moment a baby would be seen or mentioned...and Mother's Day? Forget it, I was a mess for years and then, just like you described, a hungover stupor took over.

It is a long story how we ended up reuniting, but it started online. It's funny because I'm not an online social person. Every once in a while I would do a search on her name, NEVER intending to do anything, just out of curiosity. I always felt strongly about making sure her life was not disrupted. I knew her safety and well-being was the first priority. Even though my heart ached for her, I knew it would only hurt her in the long run if I were to contact her or enter her life unexpectedly. After a series of inquiries, we made contact online and immediately made plans to meet.

I was like a deer in headlights. What if I disappoint her? She’s had an image in her mind of her birthmother for all these years … what if I don’t live up to that? How do I explain everything to her without conveying a deep sadness about her conception? I explained things in a letter I placed in her file, but she had never seen it.

That night I called her to sort out how we would meet. I was terrified and got her voice mail…leaving a message was surreal. I became numb after hearing her voice. After what seemed like an eternity (but was maybe 10 minutes), she called back. I remember looking at my husband and telling him “it’s her”.

HERE'S WHAT I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU: I will never in my life forget what she said to me. SHE THANKED ME. She said that people would often ask her how she felt about her birthmother and she would tell them she had so much respect for a woman that gave her everything she had. She said, "Thank you so much for what you did for me.” All I could say was, “You have no idea what a gift you just gave me. That’s more than I could ever hope for. It's always been about your well-being.” She understood. I couldn't believe it, she said she never felt a void in her life, which was such a great feeling in a weird way. I know I should have felt hurt that she didn't miss me, but how amazing it was to learn that she had a complete childhood like I dreamed. It was exactly what I intended for her. She said she always hoped that I would be happy and fulfilled, and was even happier that my family and I were excited to have her in our lives. I was blown away.

It is almost a year since that first meeting and it has truly been the best year of my life. I could not have scripted a better understanding for her on how this decision was truly for her well being, not mine. I think that's all we can hope for, right?

Funny thing is, now I'm online trying to get info on possibly adopting an older child from the Ukraine. I have two other children and am researching how this could affect them. Strange twist on things, I guess. Take care.