January 21st, 2011
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swingGoing from having a child, and feeling the change that comes from being a mother, back to living as if you never had that experience, is incredibly hard. Becoming a mother is truly life changing. How can I ever go back to the way life was before I was a mother? I know I never will go back, or would never want to, emotionally. But, I am now forced to live as if it never happened, because of her absence. It tears a person apart. I feel sometimes like I am living a lie, even though all those around me, that are close to me, know all about my child and my life. I know why I will never feel whole again, because I never will be. This goes against all laws of nature, which is why it hurts so much and causes feelings of so much uncertainty.

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Adoption is a beautiful thing, an amazing thing, but how much more amazing would this life be if we all just made great decisions the first time around? But, that is life and the only way we learn and grow. I absolutely know that to feel true happiness you have to feel true sorrow. To know how sweet life is, you have to taste the bitter. Holding onto that sweet, happy taste is the key to a happy life. For me, I always compare and try to recognize if the bitter is outnumbering the sweet. If it is, I know I have to make some changes. Happiness truly is a choice. If we are not happy, by and of ourselves, nothing else or no one else, will ever be able to make us happy. At least not for the long term.

I know that if I had my daughter back with me, it wouldn’t make everything right. I would be so happy with her, but there are still so many things bringing me down right now and holding me back. And those would still be there. The key for me now is to find that strength and courage that can encourage me to find and do the things that will bring me eternal happiness. Giving her to her parents is something I know can, and does, bring me lasting happiness, although there are many times when it gives me temporary pain and sorrow. Remembering to focus on the eternal aspects of choices and situations is key to the understanding that will help me go on.

Living in the here and now, and doing positive things each day is what will get me to where I want to be.  Just planning ‘tomorrows has given me a lot of empty yesterdays’, and it is so discouraging. I WILL progress and act every day, to bring me to my goals. I will do it for me and I’ll do it for my daughter.

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3 Responses to “Acting”

  1. Amy B says:

    Thank-you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. Good luck in your journey

  2. iphigenia says:

    Janessa,

    I empathize with you pain regarding your adoption of your daughter. I too placed my daughter for adoption 20 years ago, and is has been a long hard road emotionally. The keys to survival for me were to:
    1) trust that I made the right decision at the time and that I connot regret my decision
    2) find someone who can support you through the rough patches. If not a friend or family member, then a councillor or both
    3) to talk about your feelings with someone, don’t bottle them up
    4) to keep hope that one day you will see your child again and you will be able to hug her and tell her that you never forgot about her and that you always loved and continue to love her and that you placed her for adoption out of love for her and her best interests, not for selfish reasons – quite the contrary. Because as you know, it is nature’s way for a mother to want to keep her baby at her side. Remeber that you did a good strong brave thing.
    5) Try to find joy and don’t feel guilty about being happy at times. It does not mean that you have forgotten about your child or that you dod not still have the pain.

    These keys to survival above of course developed over the years, at different times. It sounds like you have a positive outlook toward life which is so helpful. Good luck with everything.

    Lastly, I have now met my 20 year old daughter recently and it is the most beautiful thing possible. My wish is that you will one day have that oppourtunity too.

    :)

  3. cah45529 says:

    Thank you for writing this, I needed to read it, and will save it to read over and over again. I gave a part of myself away 42 years ago. My daughter was so beautiful, her father did not even want to see her. I did, for several days, I held her, talked to her, held her next to my chest so our hearts could beat together. I thought I would die, actually a part of me did. I’ve been married 40 years now, and have three lovely daughters. I work at a Crisis Pregnancy Center, and have two clients currently who are placing daughters next month. They are both involved in open adoption. I thank God for that for both of them. I am actively seeking my daughter and pray everyday, and always have, that God is watching her, and that one day I will meet her and her adoptive parents. I just pray she knows that I loved her so much, always have, always will. By the grace of God I know that one day our souls will be together again.

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