e-mail
A hole in the heart is a term that many birth parents and adoptees use to describe one of the affects of adoption for them. Another popular explanation for how they feel is that there is a void.
Had I allowed myself to stay connected to my son in my head, maybe I would have felt a hole in my heart. My way of dealing with his loss was to divorce myself from him and pretend that he did not matter to me. It was the only way that I could figure out a way to survive his loss. Not that it was a conscious decision necessarily; it was not.
For me, I did not experience a hole in the heart when my son was growing up. Yet, there was always a vague feeling in my life, even in the best of times, when something seemed awry. This uneasy feeling puzzled me, but I did not explore it in detail. Now I know that when I lost my son, a piece of my heart went with him.
It should not surprise me to discover that many adoptive parents do not understand or have any awareness that birth parents grieve as long and hard as they do. If we birthparents did not expect it, how could anyone else? Yet, it all seems so clear at this juncture in my life that most birth parents are gravely affected by the loss of a child to adoption. I understand now the resiliency of the mother/child bond and how deep and strong it really is.
I wish that I had the words to describe how deep the wound is. Not because I need any sympathy; I do not. It is too late for me, but I want to prevent other young women from joining me in the not so exclusive sisterhood of birth mothers unless they really need to do so.
When a young woman is incapable or unwilling to parent her child, maybe adoption is the answer. However, if she wants to parent; I wish society respected and supported her more to do so. Women who want to parent, and are discouraged and not given a chance end up with broken hearts and an aching that never quite ends. It hurts to lose a child like nothing you can ever fathom. If an adoption really needs to happen, a broken-hearted mother is the price and it is worth it for the child’s sake. Adoptions that really do not need to occur are nothing short of tragic.
