I've given you ideas of things to do during an open adoption visit. What should you not do? What should you avoid? While I could make a list, it would vary from family to family as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Within your own family, you need to set your own boundaries. However, there is one steadfast rule that most families could benefit from putting at the top of their visit list:

Don't feel as though you need to keep your negative emotions buried, your happy emotions hidden or your indifference shielded from others.

Too often in open adoption, we hear that we don't want to know that the other side is hurting or that the other side is too happy or that the other side doesn't know how they feel. "The other side" can vary in who it defines. With that, it's sometimes hard to get through a visit if you feel as though you can't express your emotions.

Part of any healthy relationship is the appropriate communicating of emotions, feelings, wants, needs and desires. Note I said the word appropriate. Throwing yourself down a flight of stairs because you don't want the visit to be over may not be appropriate. Shedding tears is absolutely, 100% appropriate. If it makes the other side uncomfortable, you, as a group, need to sit down and discuss it. Stat!

During our earlier visits, I would keep my emotion to myself. I wouldn't let J or D see me cry, though I cried at every visit. I wouldn't let them know that doing x-thing was really hard for me for y-reason. And eventually? That lead to some really hard moments during a visit because those feelings came out, all at once, instead of us dealing with them, over time, one by one. It was somewhat overwhelming for all of us.

In short, this "don't" is merely a "do:"

Do communicate your feelings and emotions in an appropriate manner during visits as it will help keep all sides on the same page.