I should preface this post by saying that these are not resolutions. Even if they look like, sound like and smell like resolutions, they are not resolutions. Why? I have this mind block when it comes to resolutions. If I resolve to do something at the beginning of the year, using those words, I'll freak out and procrastinate. If I say that I'd like to accomplish something but it won't make or break my year, I usually get close to finishing the task.

So, with regard to our adoption journey, these are some things that I might like to accomplish this year. You know, if I feel like it. (Oh, reverse psychology with myself! Fun!)

1. Finish the freaking journal, for pity's sake. I bought a journal shortly after the Munchkin was born. It is a prompted journal entitled Reflections from a Mother's heart: A Family Legacy for Your Children. I've had it for almost three years now. How much is finished? Not half. My first intention was to give it as a gift for her first birthday. Complete failure. I worked on it some before her second birthday but did not complete it in time. This past year? I haven't picked it up due to emotional blocks and time constraints. I'd like to finish it in the next twelve months and include it in her birthday present. It needs to be completed. It simply needs to get done. Perhaps I'll chronicle that journey in the blog.

2. Continue with therapy. Of course, in therapy, I have some goals. I need to work on processing my anger with the agency. I honestly don't think, at this point, I will ever be able to forgive them for their lies, deceit and complete negligence in certain areas but I need to get to a point where I don't feel flushed with seething anger any time I see their name which, in the adoption world, is quite frequently. I need to work more on shame and guilt; dissecting their beings in my life, their similarities and differences and finding a way to either get past them or make room for them in my life. I also feel that some work on processing BIG THINGS as they are happening could help me in the long and short run. In the past, I would have been quite upset that I was signing myself up for another year of therapy. I would have felt like a failure. Now? I'm human.

3. Further document our story. I'd really like to take the time and write about our adoption this year. I'm kind of aggravated that it continues to lie in bits and pieces from paper journals to online journals to blogs to forum entries. I don't like that it is always a disjointed writing and never a legitimate piece which could be edited and presented somewhere to someone for something.

4. Sort through photos and organize them. Pfft. I'll even admit that this is a huge task which is both physically and emotionally daunting. I would like to get some of the early Munchkin photos scanned (for backup purposes). We'll see how that goes. For some reason, though I treasure the photos that have been sent to me and taken with me, being seated on the floor and surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of photos can send me into a fit of tears and a veil of sadness that will stay for weeks. I need to prepare myself emotionally for such a task. (Something else for therapy!)

5. Continue to donate Nick's old clothing, toys, etc, to the local crisis pregnancy center. Maybe you don't understand why that's an adoption related goal for the year. When I was pregnant, I felt helpless. I felt alone, without people to support me emotionally or to help me find my financial footing. I felt that even though I wanted, desperately, to parent the Munchkin, resources were too hard to find or come by, thus leaving me with no other option but to place. Our local crisis pregnancy center has an awesome program for expectant and new mothers. (Check with your local one; they vary widely. I have researched ours and approve of their efforts.) Since Nick's birth, we have donated diapers, wipes, coupons that we did not use for formula(etc), clothes, toys, bottles; the list goes on. This has helped me with some of my own personal guilt and shame with the hopes that our donations may help some Mother feel confident in her ability to parent. It's something I need to continue to do in order to heal.

6. Talk to my Pastor about the adoption. We'll be joining our church this coming year. In our previous church, before we joined, I talked to our Pastor about the fact that I was a birth mother. He was empathetic, understanding and compassionate. While I have no doubt that our current Pastor will act in the same way because of how he has treated us thus far, there is always fear of judgement. For me, that fear is especially heightened when it comes to issues of religion and sexuality. I have been spending time in prayer that our Pastor will not say something offensive, intended or not. I really enjoy our church and would like to continue to grow as a family within the congregation. Yet, I need to be accepted for my past and what that past means in my present and our future. It's a scary thing for me... and it's actually one of the first goals I need to complete. Joy.

7. Work on talking about the Munchkin and adoption in general in my real life with more regularity. I don't need to spout off about adoption at every turn. However, I do need to feel comfortable explaining that we are going to see my daughter when asked where we're heading off to for a week. So often I just say we're heading to see family. While that's true, with our closer set of friends, I almost feel as if I am lying by omission. Random folks at the store don't need the rundown. Yet I need to find a comfort level with those who we spend decent amounts of time with and share other personal bits of information. Much like sharing about Munchkin's placement on our family blog this past year was a big event, this move to talk more freely about the Munchkin will be a huge and welcome change in our lives.

I think that about does it for adoption goals this year. I'm sure I will accomplish more (and maybe not specifically these) over the next year. Maybe next year's rundown list of accomplishments will be spectacular. Maybe not. Either way, goals are good.. even if we try to trick ourselves into thinking that they're just "suggestions." ;)