Birth-First Parent

The great question of identity and being a birth-first parent is one of the many combinations within and inherent to the human condition. I read a blog recently about a  how basically we think on our biological children and obsess almost, how they fill and captivate us and one day, for some, (not all) we wake up and the ache is a little less. This continues and you think, "Maybe I am ok?" There is a deep pain in birth-parents, and it is the loss of being a parent. Hold a baby and try not to cry. I dare you not to think about your child you placed. Last night, I cried for the first time in awhile over my baby. Funny how things work… [more]

I haven't talked about it too much, and frankly haven't noticed a whole lot of birth-first parents that talk about this. Signing off parental rights. I have a unique adoption story and anyone reading this knows their own story. Every story has a different flavor and experience, but we all share something similar. Phoenix was 8-9 months old when his birth-first father and I signed off rights. We had each been pulled aside by our court appointed attorney's and asked if we wanted to do it apart. Apparently we both agreed to stand together in front of the judge, and I will be frank, I don't remember a whole lot about that day. As we stood before the judge, he read us the termination of rights, and it… [more]

"I want it all, I want it right now." A line from a popular movie soundtrack--I have decided to write on the topic of depression. Society, in general, has an "I want it now" mentality. There is a lot one could say about this, on many topics, and situations--Let's look at it from where I am today... You know what I want? I want to stand up and proudly say who I am. I don't want to sugar coat my life's feelings and experiences, but I also want a positive outlook, more then that of a survivor. I was born to thrive. As a birthparent, I want acceptance and as a woman, I want unconditional love and friendship--no flakes accepted into my life. I hate dishonesty. Lets be… [more]

I spent last night playing various board games--Taboo, Scattergories, and a few others. It was fun, and despite plans of a movie falling through, it has been a decent holiday. The feelings of yesterday seemed to have their place, and the sorrow and grief that threatened to encompass me are sitting at my side like a faithful dog. I am choosing to allow them to be expressed; allowing myself to feel what I traditionally hid from. It's not that I didn't deal with them, I just wasn't willing to incorporate them into my life. Finding joy in the small things, like spending time with family and friends, is healing and therapeutic. It's funny how adoption changes things; how it makes simple things a touch more difficult… [more]

There is an emptiness aching in my chest tonight, throbbing and sending echoes of pain through me. It is keeping me up, and I am somewhat at unrest. I was laying in bed thinking about my idea of a perfect day, a perfect gift. I was thinking about Phoenix. I want to read him a story, hug him, know the joy of his smile beaming back at me. I want nothing more then a moment in time to say hello on this sorrowful Christmas. I sometimes feel like my heart is missing, and it wanders away to darker places for me. Today is one of those. He is going to wake up and have a Christmas with his family, and I will be here, thinking… [more]

Last weekend, I was blessed with the opportunity to go on my second, birth-first mom retreat. I am finding it difficult to talk about in it's wholeness, but the experience and what I can tell you is that I met some of the bravest women in this life.  From the get go, Friday night, I opened up to others for the first time in forever. No more faking the happiness I felt. While I was genuinely excited to go to the retreat, I was also struggling with feelings of self-worth and value, as well as shame. The shame was overwhelming, and for the first time in 6 years I shared my story to the fullest I have yet, with this group of women… [more]

A recent online discussion that bashed Birth-First parents left me really irate for a moment,  but then I thought, what if she was right? What if I don't matter? I can't fully explain it but  the conversation dulled me. The content itself isn't important but I wonder, will it matter that I love him? I knowingly and with sound(ish) mind, signed my rights away to being anything but a blurb in his life. Everything else, all the pictures and phone calls, the once a year visits, those are gifts. Yet I think about him every day, and I can't even fathom not thinking about him, or sending him love in my thoughts and prayers. Where do I really fit? Where is the niche in… [more]

For the last 3 weeks I have been going through a really ugly depression, sort of lost but in perfect awareness of who I am and where I was headed. I was so utterly lonely, that I couldn't utter the words to people around me that, "I was depressed". So my best friend of 15 years, Jenny, came to town to visit. She is one of the people I called upon post placement, who would answer at any time for me, when my whole world was falling apart. She described it best, that I knew what I was doing was for the best but I was torn. So lately, while writing about my adoption views and my experiences in general, I have been… [more]

This is the time of year when families get together and have turkey. We are already gearing up for Christmas and I swear I just heard Christmas music the other day. For me, this time of year is bittersweet as I have mentioned previously. I am celebrating my bio-sons 3rd birthday December 30th, and continuing the tradition Tara and I  established in 2009. We get together at McDonalds, and let the boys play. I bring a cake or cookies, and I get to see Phoenix be himself. Last year Phoenix and Nick were playing together and having so much fun. The cookies Nick brought were decimated by my sweet little cookie monster(s), and everyone said goodbye and went home . That's where I… [more]

I am a birth mother; a name I kept hidden from everyone except my parents and my sister and my husband for over 30 years. I was told that I would forget. I never did. This is my story. I dated a boy, K, who was a year older than me, when I was a teenager. My mother didn’t meet K until we had been dating for a little while. As soon as she met him she forbade me from seeing him. So, I snuck around behind her back to see him. I got pregnant when I was 15. I hid the pregnancy from my parents until I was 6 ½ months along and could no longer hide it. K and… [more]