When an expectant parent is sorting through profiles in hopes of choosing a family for the unborn child, issues surrounding parenting style are often high on the list of things to consider. Some want parents that would parent their child in a different way than how they were raised while others are looking for that similarity. Things such as how the children will be raised concerning issues of religion, education and discipline are questions that many expectant parents ask of potential families during the matching process.

However, once the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) is signed, the ability to ask those questions disappears. No longer having any legal right to the child, the birth parent is left hoping that the family she chose for her child will continue to parent in the ways that they predicted or promised. However, the truth is that parenting styles can and often do change over the years. What you thought you might be like as a parent can change drastically as you deal with different personalities and situations, realizing that not every form of parenting works for every child. Parents may even parent children within their own family differently due to needs that the children present.

Especially before having an everyday child to parent, a birth parent might find a change in parenting style to be unfathomable. People who do not yet deal with the ever changing personality of a child may not understand certain actions on the part of the parents. It might be very easy for a first mother or father to feel lied to and deceived by the adoptive family when they witness changes like these happening. Most of the time, these changes are not lies or deceptions but simply the variation that comes with parenting a child on a daily basis.

So what is a birth parent to do with the emotions that come from such deviations in parenting style? Birth parents have already gone through the sadness that their child would not be raised in their own home, under their own style of parenting and, now, the way that they had planned for their child to be parented has changed as well. How does one process those emotions? Can anything be done? Should anything be said?

First of all, to process the emotions, I would definitely suggest journaling in hopes of getting the frustration out of one's system and "out" onto paper. I would also strongly, as usual, recommend counseling. Listening to people who are involved either in the adoption or your own personal life (like your own mom) tell you that parents have to make concessions and changes in how they parent may feel like a placating sentiment. Hearing from an impartial third party that things don't always go as you had imagined when a child is involved may help you better understand the situation.

As for whether anything can be done or whether or not you should say anything, I warn birth parents to swim carefully in these waters. Especially if you are not daily parenting a child as issues like these arise, you may not understand how hearing someone question your parenting might make you feel. (Though, I would encourage you to remember the judgment that you have felt for making and going through with an adoption plan by those who weren't involved. They didn't understand but their accusations and assumptions still hurt, didn't they? It's a similar kind of judgment.)

If your relationship is strong (and I do mean strong), you might be able to ask a few questions as to why the change happened. Doing so in a non-confrontational manner would garner the best results. A statement and question format like this might work best:

"When we were matching, you said that you would be sending the baby to Really Prestigious Private School. I can't help but notice that she's signed up for public school. I'm not judging but simply asking why you've chosen to go this route."

The point I make next isn't the most fun: no matter what their answer is, you need to accept it, face value. The truth of the matter is that you are not parenting your child on a daily basis. You are not making the daily decisions for your child. Yes, you may be hurt that things have gone differently but you cannot change those things. To press the issue could create a huge problem in the relationship you have with the adoptive family.

This is a sticky situation at best. It can be a tough pill for birth families to swallow. When you were promised one thing and your child is living another, it can be downright maddening. Doing things on your end to be a consistent presence in your child's life while still respecting the family's boundaries can show your child, later in life, that while things didn't go as expected, you still wanted to be a part of her life. Since the rules of open adoption specifically mandate that it is not co-parenting, stepping over those boundaries to "fix" things in your point of view can lead to catastrophic results within your relationship.

There is one exception to the "deal with it" rule: if you are seeing evidence or proof of abuse, please report it. In many states, you can do so anonymously. No child deserves to be mistreated. While adoptive families have been screened, things happen that we don't always understand when it comes to an abusive mindset. Do not ever feel as though you have to accept watching your child be neglected or abused. Speak up and save a child (which would be your own or any other children that they are parenting).

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I will be getting back into the chapter review of Lifegivers tomorrow. I had to take some time off for some pregnancy related complications. Things are improving but I'm just generally beat!

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For more, read:

1. The Secret Fears of Birth Parents.

2. All Mothers are Clueless.

3. Choosing Your Battles.

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