As we jump back into the chapter review of Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption, I must admit that chapter seven was something that I personally needed to read. Entitled "The Distinctive Grief of Open Adoption Birthparents," the pages hold a wealth of information as to what birth parent grief entails in open adoption and how to handle such issues. When I read the book the first time, within the first year after placement, I missed a lot of information because I was still deep within the throes of denial. This chapter has given me a lot of information and, simultaneously, validation and I hope that others can learn from it as well.

Gritter starts out the chapter talking about the fact that many expectant parents who place their children for adoption do understand that there are losses involved in the relinquishment of a child but that they don't understand how all encompassing those losses can become in all aspects of one's life. Figuring out how to deal with the grief can be a challenge as the grief itself takes on characteristics of other losses but involves unique factors for those that place children for adoption.

The first thing he does in the chapter is "define the loss" that birth parents experience. It's not an easy task because the loss is compounded and difficult to describe, especially to those who haven't personally experienced said loss. Even more difficult is the fact that the loss involves multiple losses which Gritter goes on to explain in detail.

He first hits on an obvious one: the loss of interaction. By placing a child for adoption, even in the most open situations, the birth parent loses that day-to-day access to the child. Milestones are missed; first steps, first boo-boos, first kisses, great report cards and terrible fights. Learning to deal with this loss, this access, can be difficult for a first parent.

Gritter then moves on to an interesting loss: loss of family structure. After placement, especially as life continues on and families grow and change, the birth parent is continuously faced with the missing child in the family tree. Answering questions such as, "How many children do you have," can pose a great mental and moral dilemma for a mother or father who has placed a child for adoption. The birth order, if more children are brought into the family, is often confused. Is the oldest child being raised by the family the oldest or is that role only for the true oldest, placed outside of the home. (Replace with whatever number the child was in birth order.)

He then hits on another loss: loss of status. To understand, quoting his direct words really hits on the meat of this specific loss.

It is, after all, not the loss of just any role, but rather it is the setting aside of what may be life's richest and most challenging role - the daily caregiver affectionately known as Mom or Dad. It is the loss of a revered status in life and of much that defines and identifies us.

In response to that loss, the new "status" of open adoption birth parent is thus created but, unfortuantely, it is a role that is rather vague. Birth parents are widely misunderstood and finding out what that role will mean in your own life and with your own unique family unit can be confusing and frustrating to a first parent. Even in the best of situations where a role of birth parent is clearly defined and celebrated by all members of the family, the loss of that status of "Mom" or "Dad" can hurt from time to time.

Hitting on some lesser known or thought about losses, Gritter then talks about the loss of acknowledgment as a lifegiver, loss of control, loss of security and a lost sense of self-worth. It makes sense that these losses would also be incorporated into the birth parent grieving experience. For example, very few birth mothers have fond memories of their birthing experience (though some do, thank goodness!) as it was often played down or completely written off. The lack of control, especially after the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) is signed, can really sideline a birth parent trying to make headway through the grieving process while simultaneously figuring out what their role should be within their family unit. Realizing, sometimes incorporated with that loss of control, that the world isn't quite what you assumed it to be and that people do have ulterior motives at time can lead to that unfortunate loss of security, causing a birth parent to doubt new people and situations while questioning relationships that already exist. The loss of self-worth, however, is probably the most detrimental because it can lead to further losses as he/she feels that they don't deserve any respectful treatment.

Keeping all of that in mind and knowing it as you process your own grief or watch a birth parent process that grief doesn't always mean that it will turn out "okay" or "easy" if you follow a set pattern. Grief doesn't proceed in a "normal" or "set" fashion for many people. Some aspects of birth parent grief and loss further compound that issue.

For example, "the loss is more oriented to the future than the past." When someone we love passes away, we often focus on the memories we had with that person. For the birth parent, the only memories that may exist are the ones that were held during the pregnancy and the short time at the hospital. While open adoption birth parents have the unique opportunity to be a part of their child's life, there is still a sense of wonderment, a constant game of the "what-if's." Furthermore, the loss is "routinely underestimated." Even well-intentioned supporters can say things that make a first parent feel as though their grief is unwarranted or wrong. This is only harder when other not-so-supportive people point out that the loss is, in some ways, "self-inflicted." Even though coercion still exists in today's adoption world, many view today's birth parent's decision to place as fully voluntary (though the chapter on necessity explains why that can be confusing). Judgmental people refuse to offer sympathy to these first parents because they "brought it upon themselves."

Gritter brings up a huge point in the fact that the loss is ongoing. Each milestone that the child hits can bring about an entirely new or repeated grieving process, only to be repeated again as the child enters a new phase of life.

One issue that he hits on is specifically for the birth parents involved in "successful" or "good" relationships with their child and the family: "the loss presents a paradoxical upside." Guilt can be involved with relishing in new relationships and positive outcomes that came about because of the placement of the child. To explain it further, I'll just have to quote Gritter.

The gains available through open adoption do not neutralize or erase the losses; gain and loss coexist side by side as equally valid dynamics. Adoption is not a homogenized experience that leads to middle-of-the-road emotions. It is both very sad and very satisfying. Incongruent as they may be, these apparent opposites reside in the same birthparent heart with equal comfort. There are times, though, when even the gains feel like losses as the good things a birthparent sees happening in the life of her child remind her of opportunities that she was not able to provide.

Furthermore, the issues that birth parents face regarding grief are hard at times because open adoption birth parenting is "largely uncharted territory." As Gritter says, "with most losses, we can benefit from the experience of others who have preceded us," but, for the most part, that's not the case for open adoption birth parents. It's simply not. While we're gaining a voice on the blogosphere and we're beginning to see a change in that dimension (thankfully!), prior to the past few years, it was up to the singular birth parent to make their own way through the muck and the mire. If they happened to find a therapist with any experience or inkling as to what birth parent grief entailed, they were a lucky one! This is one thing that I've seen improve since the book was published in 2000; the incorporation of the internet as to how birth parents have access to one another in hopes of finding a common link in processing said grief. (That said, it can also make it harder for those that think or grieve outside of the "accepted" box.)

So what can those who surround birth parents do to support their grieving process? Gritter gives us a list of ideas that we should all be thinking about, no matter if we're the birth parent ourselves, an adoptive parent, an adoption worker, a parent to a birth parent or a friend.

1. Validate the grief of open adoption birth parents. Don't just write it off! Allow them to feel whatever it is that they're feeling!

2. Embrace a learning perspective. Don't be a "know-it-all." Let the birth parent teach you something about their experience. Listen.

3. Make the grief tangible. Encourage the birth parent to create a physical journal, a craft, a blog (!), or to get a copy of Brenda Romanchik's book, A Birthmother's Book of Memories. Getting the grief "out" and onto paper or in some other tangible form can help the birth parent in many ways. (Think about art therapy!)

4. Fully use the strengths of open adoption. Use the visits, phone calls and letters to communicate support for the birth parent and love for the child.

5. Learn to fully trust grieving as a natural path to healing. Don't force the birth parent to grieve in the way you think is best fit; allow it to take the course it needs to take.

Gritter leaves us with a quote about birth parent grief that I think all need to ponder before we move on in this book.

If we want adoption to produce healthy results for everyone involved, we will continually expand our understanding of the unique grief of open adoption birthparents and grow in our ability to support them more effectively.

Learning about this grief and supporting these first families in such a way can only benefit the entire triad, the children included. Grief is a heavy topic, often confusing, and birth parent grief is no exception. Talking about it while not running away, scared and frightened of what it might mean for someone else, can help birth parents through their processes.

In short: grief is messy, there's no right or wrong way to grieve and you don't always have to do it alone. We're here!

Monday morning I will start a two day stop on Chapter Eight. Why two days on one chapter? It's long. And it's heavy. Heavier than grief? Oh yeah. It's on birth parent regret. Tune in Monday and Tuesday!!

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For more on Lifegivers, read:

1. Beginning a Chapter Review of Lifegivers.

2. Lifegivers: Chapter One.

3. Lifegivers: Chapter Two.

4. Lifegivers: Chapter Three.

5. Lifegivers: Chapter Four.

6. Lifegivers: Chapter Five.

7. Lifegivers: Chapter Six.


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Photo Credit: Book cover.