As we continue our look at Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption, chapter four really should be of interest to many different kinds of readers. Supporters and critics of openness will be intrigued by the title, "Justifying Distance in Modern Terms: Birthparents as Dysfunctional Persons." We all know that society wants to view birth parents as inherently dysfunctional people and those who oppose open adoption tout it as their main reason for avoiding such a relationship. So, what's the chapter talk about anyway?

Gritter starts out talking about his journeys in educating groups of potential adoptive parents about open adoption relationships and how he is frequently met with the, "yes, but..." type of mentality. Before learning about birth parents on a less generalized level, many people assume that the "upstanding" birth parents in open adoption are a rarity, an exception to the normal dysfunction. Gritter sees this as an excuse.

[...] in many instances this worry has become an excuse for avoiding the hard but child-honoring work of open adoption. It is a respectable flag to rally around for those who dislike open adoption. Determined to avoid open adoption for a variety of reasons, they eagerly latch onto the one widely accepted reason to move cautiously. They act as though this concern applies to every circumstance and as if there are no ways to relieve it.

Sound familiar?

The book then launches into a myriad of questions revolving around dysfunction. What is it? Is it merely making a mistake? If you are dysfunctional in some part of your life at one point in your life, are you dysfunctional in all parts of your life at all points in your life thereafter? Even if the said person is dysfunctional, does that cancel out who they are and the respect they deserve as a human being? And, my favorite, "Are birthparents the only participants in adoption who are sometimes dysfunctional?"

Even after asking questions that make the reader ponder whether certain people they have previously labeled and written off as dysfunctional really are as dysfunctional as previously assumed, Gritter does admit that some birth parents are not easy to work with in an open adoption relationship. He refers to them as "challenging birthparents" and offers up some tips on how to make the relationship continue to work.

He starts with a disclaimer that there are some birth parents that should not be near the children, those who place the child in danger and undermine the security set forth by the adoptive family. (So don't assume that he's trying to say this will work for all people. There is a difference between a challenging personality and a violent one.)

His first tip is to help the birth family find treatment of some sort, whether it is to help an addiction or a therapist to get through some emotional issues. We would suggest it for any other dysfunctional person in our lives, wanting them to better themselves for themselves. This relationship should be no different. Even still, there will be some that won't respond to therapy for various reasons. Gritter states that in these cases, where getting one's entire life together may seem too overwhelming for the birth parent, the open adoption system leaves room for the birth parent to get one section of his/her life on track. By receiving encouragement from the adoptive family and professionals to keep certain things in line and on track with regards to communication and boundaries, a birth parent could feel proud of the work done in that sector of his/her life. While compartmentalizing isn't always the way to work through issues in life, Gritter says this would be an acceptable way to go about it.

The chapter goes on to say that boundaries are vital for the challenging birth parent. While it's not easy to set appropriate boundaries, adoptive parents will be best served by doing so in cases like these where, without them, things can get hairy.

Gritter then launches into a part of the chapter that had me grinning from ear to ear. I didn't fully understand the importance of this segment when I read the book in my first post-placement year but having the experience I now have with various groups of birth parents, adoptive parents and agencies, I want to post this in big red letters! He says that in order to facilitate the best result in an open adoption, professionals need to better screen adoptive families and birth families and better match them with one another. He explains his reasoning.

In their [potential adoptive families] eagerness [...] to welcome children into their lives, some families volunteer for situations that exceed their emotional and social capabilities. Impatient or fearful that they will never have an opportunity to adopt the sort of child they most desire, they offer to tackle circumstances that are far beyond their aptitude. In doing this, they simultaneously underestimate the challenges involved and overestimate their ability to handle difficulties.

He goes on to drive home the importance of "careful matching." The truth is that some birth parents will not mesh well with some adoptive families. As with any relationship, personalities can clash. When as much emotion as open adoption brings to the plate comes into play, being careful should be the only way to go. Potential adoptive parents need to be honest about their limitations. Expectant parents considering placement need to be willing to talk about their expectations for openness. The professionals involved need to be able to see when one or the other is trying to pull a fast one for any number of reasons and set the parties straight.

Gritter then explains why the planning stage, pre-birth but post-match, of an open adoption is vital for the two adult parties of the triad. Being clear in what one side wants in regards to communication and visits can help avoid a misunderstanding as the years progress. He argues that the "hang loose" technique of seeing where things take the families isn't the best approach. It leads to confusion as to what is to be or should be expected. While there should always be room for ebb and flow (as in ANY relationship), mapping out the basics long before problems arise can be a great help.

He's also not overly idealistic. He does realize that sometimes there will be problems too big for families to handle, even those that have been appropriately matched and properly planned for the future of their relationship. He stresses the importance of having an available intermediary but only for short term issues. The use of an agency, for an example, for eighteen years of in-between contact doesn't bode well. Have you ever played telephone? The message or the meaning is bound to get screwed up. However, having a third party (that would be impartial and, thus, the agency isn't a good idea) to step in from time to time (when necessary) so that each can see things in a different light can help some families move past certain things and onto better ones!

Gritter then stresses the importance of attitude. Having a positive attitude can make all the difference in the world. He doesn't mean to be naive, he just means to be positive.

A positive attitude does not erase hard facts; it enables us to work with these facts in the most constructive manner available. A positive attitude enables us to realize that there is a lot more to a birthfamily than the complications they present.

Isn't that how most life situations are, most relationships? If you go into something with an overtly negative mindset, you're setting yourself up for failure before you even begin. Finding creative, positive ways to deal with challenging situations and personalities can be rewarding for all involved in the end. Especially, as Gritter stresses is the most important, the child in question.

Starting tomorrow, with Chapter Five, we'll be looking at some major themes in the birth parent experience.

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For more on Lifegivers, read:

1. Beginning a Chapter Review of Lifegivers.

2. Lifegivers: Chapter One.

3. Lifegivers: Chapter Two.

4. Lifegivers: Chapter Three.

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Photo Credit: Book cover.