In discussing open adoption, I have found one fear that some adoptive parents have is that a birth mother may change her mind and decide to walk away. In fact, one of my readers, John, mentioned how damaging it could be for a child to have their birth parent cease contact. Although I have seen few statistics on this possibility, I know that it happens.

However, I am convinced that it does not happens enough to rule out an open adoption. In the April 27-29 USA Weekend magazine which comes in the Sunday newspaper in my locale, I noticed a similar topic in an advice column. Bad Mom vs. No Mom is not referring to a birth mother breaking her promises, but a divorced mother. The father wants advice as to whether he should try to end her custody rights. He mentions his son keeps going from "hopeful to hurt" over and over again.

No one wants to see their child get hurt. However, as the advice columnist points out, a child is better off having his mom in his life unless she is abusive. (I realize this situation is not exactly the same as a situation with a birth mother.) Professor of Family and Consumer Sciences at Western Michigan University, Karen Blaisure says that a child would rather face disappointment than lose a relationship with a parent.

Ms. Blaisure also says that teaching a child how to deal with such challenges will benefit a child more than cutting them off from someone they love. She also believes that helping a child learn to deal with such a situation can teach them valuable lessons in tolerance and forgiveness.

Protecting a child is part of our jobs as parents. Particularly with my youngest son, I know that there were times when I was probably overprotective of him. However, as he got older, I realized that overprotecting him from the realities of the world was actually a disservice to him. Children need to be prepared to live in the real world. Part of being a parent is helping our children learn from and face difficult challenges. Obviously, there are some harsh realities not appropriate for younger children.

However, in general, I do not believe that adopted children fare better with no contact from birth parents. If physical contact is impossible or unwise, even contact with birth family via mail or phone can be beneficial for children. Fewer birth mothers would cease contact if they received the support and encouragement to stay in touch with their children.

Whenever I hear of a birth mother considering stopping contact with her child, I cringe and hope that she changes her mind. However, even if some birth mothers do renege on their open adoption agreements, I do not think that is reason enough to fear an open adoption. I hear more frequently about adoptive parents closing an adoption than birth parents.

Suggested Reading:

Contact between families after adoption

Cooperative Adoption

Photo by Jan Baker 2007