Starting on Monday morning, I will be doing a chapter by chapter review of the book Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption by James L. Gritter. I figured it was a good idea, before launching into a task, to give readers a background on Gritter, a basis of understanding what the book is about and a look at the introduction in which Gritter further takes us into the plan he had for the book that I render as my top adoption pick.

Gritter (Masters in Social Work) is a child welfare supervisor and supporter of open adoption. He works for an agency in Michigan. He has received awards for the work he has done within the field of open adoption. Beyond working, hands on, with birth parents, he has also written quite a few books on adoption, birth parents and the open adoption relationship. We'll be looking at Lifegivers, but he has also written Adoption Without Fear (mostly for adoptive parents) and The Spirit of Open Adoption (for all). He has long been well-regarded as a knowledgeable voice in the open adoption community.

The book itself is a look at birth parents and what they can contribute to open adoption. He hits on and debunks myths and stereotypes, discusses the emotional reasons that some birth parents might walk away from an adoption and offers clues as to how to better foster a relationship between adoptive and birth parents. He looks at the regret, the grief and the loss. He helps people, through comparisons, see birth parents as everyday people. The book is simply a must-read for anyone involved in an open adoption. Even as a birth parent, you may think you know certain things but learning the reasons behind certain fears and issues can only benefit your relationship with your child and your child's parents. Adoptive parents can benefit immensely from this book by learning all they can about their child's biological parents.

In the introduction, Gritter starts us off with a heart-warming tale and then launches into how the current adoption system is doing nothing to promote the conception of that tale in households across America. He states that our system doesn't know what to make of birth parents and thus prefers when they disappear. He does point out that prior to the signing of the Termination of Parental Rights, birth parents are exalted and revered; after all, at that point, they have the ability to make or break the adoption plan. However, the problem comes once that adoption is finalized.

As far as the system is concerned, the birth parent journey, for all practical purposes, ends at the point of legal relinquishment; it does not occur to very many people that birthparents are of long-term significance in the lifelong journey called adoption. The birthparent sun sets as swiftly as it rises.

Personally, this happened with my (unethical) agency. Once the TPR was signed and the adoption was finalized, I was no longer of interest to their company. When I contacted them for help in finding a local therapist, they didn't have the time and didn't want to expend the effort to help me in my search. Before the birth of my daughter, I received weekly calls. I definitely can vouch for what Gritter is saying in reference to the infatuation that agencies, attorneys and some adoptive families have with expectant parents considering placement. It's unfortunate and it does need to change.

He agrees, stating that we can "do better than this." Instead of sitting around, perpetuating stereotypes, Gritter encourages readers to make a valiant effort in understanding birth parents; who they are and what they actually go through in the adoption, grief and loss process. He goes on to say that by better understanding birth parents, everyone in the triad will benefit, most importantly, the children.

My favorite quote, that I've used time and time again in discussions elsewhere on open adoption, comes from the introduction of this book. It really causes one to consider what good our current system and schools of thought are doing, if any good at all.

If we carry out a system that delights adoptive parents and works for most of the children but in the process destroys birthparents, where is the joy? Who can call that sort of outcome satisfactory? When will we learn that we are all in this together and that diminishing any one of us diminishes us all? We are never made larger by permitting others to be made smaller. The effort to elevate the status of birthparents need not in any way detract from the importance of adoptive parents.

I remember reading that for the first time and thinking, "Wow. Someone else gets it." He goes on to say that birth parent involvement via open adoption allows adoptive parents to be further fulfilled in their roles. We don't have to have this misunderstanding in parental roles; the existence and participation of one does not negate the other. (Healthy, understood boundaries help keep these roles separate, of course.)

At the end of the introduction, he states that the "book is an effort to explore various perceptions of birthparents and to grow in understanding of these intriguing folks." That's right. I'm intriguing. (Of course!) And so, over the next week, starting on Monday, I'll be attempting to guide readers through the book, chapter by chapter, as to what the problems are, why they exist and if any solutions are possible. The book opened my eyes to many things in the birth parent journey. One must note that this book, as the title states, is for birth parents (and families in general) who are involved in open adoptions.

Gritter closes his introduction with a sentence that got me giggling. I've said it in variation before and I believe it still rings true.

If children can figure it out, so can the rest of us.

Hear, hear!

With fourteen chapters, the review will be spread out over a couple of weeks with a complete round-up at the end. Some days I will post one chapter while others will cover two. (Some days may have two posts covering one chapter as some are longer!) If you want to go ahead and read along with me, you have until Monday to get the book! (But feel free to get it at any time and read it. It's worth it!)

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For more, read:

1. Book Hits at the Heart of Open Adoption.

2. Fresh Outlook Friday: Understanding the Birth Mother in Open Adoption.

3. Thankful Series: Good Books.

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Photo Credit: Book cover.