Being Me

January 4th, 2014
Categories: Uncategorized

Being yourself is powerful, but when you don't have a solid fix on who you are its nearly impossible to do anything but live in the same cycle. The year of 2013 took me from highs I had never experienced before, to lows I was sure I wasn't going to come out of alive. In all areas of my life I have been stretched like never before out here in California. I have learned that its absolutely necessary to have ridiculous faith levels  if you want to achieve greatness with God, and in life. It hasn't been easy. Every paradigm of my identity I have ever thought was me was cleaned up or thrown away. One of the things I identified with a lot was shame. I didn't feel worthy of love or… [more]

5 years later

December 30th, 2013
Categories: Uncategorized

I am convinced that I should write a book. Do something amazing. Oh wait, I did.

2008

December 30th, 2008

Five years ago, on a cold and snowy evening I gave birth to a son. I called him Phoenix (AP named him Jimmy). When I held him in my arms for the first time, I didn't let go. In five days of me being in the hospital, I held him almost the entire time. I cried until my eyes were swollen shut and I could hardly speak. I was incoherent at best and at worst, not even aware of anything going on around me. I was oblivious to the nurses, to the medication being administered, or the prying questions or… [more]

Change

November 16th, 2013
Categories: Uncategorized

As I walked today I remembered some of the seasons of my life. I tend to introspect and let it go, but it was more of a controlled flow. In sharing my testimony today with a friend, I skimmed over one of the most life changing events in my life. Choosing life. More than choosing to live over choosing suicide, I chose to give life to not one but two boys. Life on this side of the tracks-Less guilt, and shame, and an internal strength that cannot be shaken tell me many things about who I am. I am strong and powerful, and I am free to choose. It also tells me how much I have changed. I remember being 26 and living in grief. It wasn't an easy time for me or my… [more]

Those Adoption Books

April 25th, 2013
Categories: Uncategorized

booksEarlier this week, I found myself browsing a local bookstore for some new reading material. This is something I do often, a way of relaxing almost as I drift from book to book, touching each one as I go. Occasionally, I'll pick one up that piques my interest and I'll read the short synopsis, take note of the author and either move on or place it in my pile to take to the register at the end of the visit. It's always been incredible to me how adoption seems to stick out in almost any novel, even when you least expect it. Last month, I finished reading The Casual Vacancy, and there was, of course, a minute storyline about adoption. I picked up… [more]

Life is Beautiful

November 8th, 2012
Categories: Uncategorized

flower faceLately I have been struggling for the connection to the content of my heart, but as I laid in bed this evening it came to me. Inspired by a song by artist Kerli , "Beautiful day" I laid there and listened. The writer in me jumped into high gear as my muse returned from whatever cold land she returned from. How long had I been holding this wonderful feeling from myself? The revelation struck my heart with joy; Life is a miracle. As I revisited memories earlier this week, I was looking for the familiar pain to arise but the same grief I always seemed to write from wasn't there. I personally consider that to be a huge milestone for me, and am grateful to… [more]

Do You Read Adoption Blogs?

January 29th, 2010
Categories: Uncategorized

Blog Reading Do you read adoption blogs? Not just this blog, obviously, but other blogs that contain adoption content. As a birth parent, do you find it difficult? I do. At times, I feel overwhelmed with the amount of information about adoption that is available on the blogosphere. Sometimes I avoid my RSS reader because I don't want to think any more about adoption for the day. Yet, I always come back to the adoption blogs. I've learned a lot over the years from others' experiences that they are willing to share with the world via their blogs. I've grown in my own journey, learned things about myself and others in the triad and, really, "met" a lot of people who have helped shape… [more]