A Good Birthmom

October 20th, 2011

bridgeI can’t answer whether I’m a good birthmom to my 19 year-old son, and I’m not sure if there is anyone qualified to answer that question.  I’m not sure I know what a birthmom is in the first place.  A lonely and sad mother.  A mother who lives a different life, far from where her child is real, and growing.  A mother who can never heal, because her child truly lives and yet has died for her.  There is no Hallmark card for that. I’m adopted too – unlike my son’s, mine was a closed adoption.  I know what my birthmom is like.  She is too little, too late.  She is an open wound, hidden behind thick walls, and whatever comfort she finds… [more]

The Treasure

September 23rd, 2011

#C513480951108#P745061951108#F8#How do you explain in words something you treasure or covet? Like the pair of sweats that you have had for way too many years but never want to part from, the handkerchief that was once your Grandma’s that sits in a drawer. What about treasures of your children’s? You would think they would be simple items like their ‘best’ drawing ‘ever’ that they chose to save, their best Lego guy or their first blanket. You can sum them all up as irreplaceable to the owner, right? In our home we have one special treasure, it is a little book that ties together with a piece of string on the front and is red and blue. I can see it perfectly without… [more]

The Letter

September 13th, 2011

BootsI tend to hold onto letters that I receive from people in my life that hold a special spot. Birthday cards from my children and husband, letters from my Grandma from over the years as well as letters from the adoptive parents of my placed son, Will. They are treasures I don’t want to ever part with. If you are anything like me your heart fills with joy when you get a letter in the mail, the thought of someone thinking of you enough to send you a letter is a comforting feeling. I remember the day I received one particular letter in the mail, dated 12/30/06. It was from the adoptive parents and I couldn’t wait to read the latest of

Day’s Like These…

August 11th, 2011

Birthday smileWe all carry around with us special dates in our mind, be it birthday's, anniversaries, adoption dates. On the flip side we also carry around with us dates that altered us forever, be it the day you chose to lovingly give your child up for adoption or the date you lost a loved one...whatever it may be they are permanently stored. For the longest time I was hung up on the 'difficult' dates, but as time has passed and wounds healed I learned to see the good in those 'difficult' dates. After giving up my son for adoption (hate the term giving up btw) that first year was difficult. I was hung up on the dates and special things that he was experiencing that… [more]

Giving Birth to New Life: Part 2

July 28th, 2011

Olson FamilyWe have all heard the words before 'you are just like your mother' or 'you are your father's son'. When you hear those words said it is usually meant to be a compliment, right? Well, in my world it was quite the opposite, to hear 'you are turning out like your mother' meant I had done something terribly wrong...those words still send shooting pains to my stomach. So you can imagine that when I found out I was pregnant, out of wedlock, I anticipated those words rolling off the lips of my father. To my shock he didn't even mention it, in fact he didn't have much to say at all. Over the course of my pregnancy my father and step-mother seemed… [more]

Worries

February 25th, 2010
Categories: Tough Stuff

Worry DollsI think if there's one thing that birth parents are really, really good at, it's worrying. Whether involved in closed or open adoptions, good or not so good, our hearts always seem to come back to a series of worries, questions and fears. I'm not calling us a bunch of Negative Nancies. I'm not even calling this a flaw. In fact, the best parents are the ones who consider certain things and, yes, even worry. We worry about how our child is being raised. Is she happy? Is she loved? Is she having enough fun? Is he having to much fun? We worry about their education. Is he smart? Is she gifted? Is he struggling? Is the school system good enough?… [more]

My Son’s Adoptive Mom is Dying of Cancer

April 30th, 2009
Categories: Tough Stuff

This last letter that I am choosing to share with you is hard. It's an issue that no birth parent really wants to consider: the impending death of their child's adoptive parent. This birth mother's child (ten) is dealing with the eventual death of the child's (adoptive) mom. She was initially diagnosed with breast cancer which then spread to her lungs and her liver. She has, at this point, been given a few months to live. This birth mother's words break the heart of all who read them. My heart is broken for my child and every time I consider what loss she is about to endure, my heart breaks all over again. I question God, I question everything. Why? Why is this happening? Why now? Why this? Why? What's worse, but understandably… [more]

My Husband Hates My Birth Daughter

April 30th, 2009
Categories: Tough Stuff

When I read an email from a birth mother who had recently married the man that she considered to be the love of her life, my heart broke. The general feel of the email was that her new husband had finally come clean that he hated her birth daughter, her birth daughter's adoptive parents, their two other children and the whole concept of open adoption. Talk about a bombshell. Here's a snip-it from her email. I am not quite sure why he waited to tell me until three months after we got married. I don't know how to handle it or what to say to him now. My daughter, her parents and her siblings are a big part of my life. I chose their family for many… [more]

Addressing Some Personal Issues

April 30th, 2009
Categories: Tough Stuff

When I posted that I was going to be addressing some "tough stuff" in adoption, I got some email from adoptive and birth parents with very specific tough things. I have decided to address three of them over the next few days. Before I do that, I thought I'd give some general tips on how to deal with the though things that may arise in your open adoption. 1. Get to counseling. Sometimes the issue is personal and within yourself and/or how you are reacting to a bigger problem. At that point, perhaps the only counseling that is needed is for you. However, as problems tend not to live inside a singular box, they may be affecting all of you. If you can manage a group therapy session (or more than… [more]

My Child’s Stepparent Hates Me!

April 30th, 2009
Categories: Tough Stuff

I received an email from a birth mother whose placed child's adoptive dad remarried two years ago. Reading that I was covering some "tough stuff" in adoption, she decided to reach out and ask if I had any advice. It's definitely some tough stuff. Here's a snip-it from her email. Despite continuous attempts at fostering a relationship between [myself and the stepmother] by his adoptive dad, nothing has worked. [The stepmother] has verbalized everything but hatred toward me. She doesn't want me involved. She doesn't want me at events. She doesn't want me at all. I am trying to honor her as my child's parent but I don't know where the boundaries are anymore. I'm confused.r email went into specific detail about how the adoptive dad has… [more]