Things to Think About

In May, there is often a lot of focus on the adoption community mainly due to Mother's Day, and of course, Birthmother's Day. Myself personally, I don't celebrate Birthmother's DaY.  Mother's Day is just one of those really tough days for me as mother who has relinquished. Beyond that, I struggle with the very idea that once a year, we should pay tribute to the women who had mothering roles in our life. I don't like that there is this expectation, one that I admittedly have and do participate in to a degree, that we shower our mother's with extravagance, and devoted love, on just one day. We should be doing our best to honor our mother's throughout the year. Nothing fancy, but in simple ways that show we love… [more]

For the last 3 weeks I have been going through a really ugly depression, sort of lost but in perfect awareness of who I am and where I was headed. I was so utterly lonely, that I couldn't utter the words to people around me that, "I was depressed". So my best friend of 15 years, Jenny, came to town to visit. She is one of the people I called upon post placement, who would answer at any time for me, when my whole world was falling apart. She described it best, that I knew what I was doing was for the best but I was torn. So lately, while writing about my adoption views and my experiences in general, I have been… [more]

I can’t answer whether I’m a good birthmom to my 19 year-old son, and I’m not sure if there is anyone qualified to answer that question.  I’m not sure I know what a birthmom is in the first place.  A lonely and sad mother.  A mother who lives a different life, far from where her child is real, and growing.  A mother who can never heal, because her child truly lives and yet has died for her.  There is no Hallmark card for that. I’m adopted too – unlike my son’s, mine was a closed adoption.  I know what my birthmom is like.  She is too little, too late.  She is an open wound, hidden behind thick walls, and whatever comfort she finds… [more]

When you place a child, it changes you forever. I am reminded of the saying "having a baby changes everything". And boy, do they mean everything. As I look introspectively in this season, watching tree's leaves fall, the colors change I realize I have changed, and even better, I am changing. I used to have unhealthy relationships, and breaking away from them is very difficult, but in the end, I am better off. I have learned several things because of adoption: 1.Choose your partner with the same sincerity and desire (the best for you) as you chose for your birth son or daughter. You are worth it. Do you know how brave you are, (and trust me I am saying this as much… [more]

I tend to hold onto letters that I receive from people in my life that hold a special spot. Birthday cards from my children and husband, letters from my Grandma from over the years as well as letters from the adoptive parents of my placed son, Will. They are treasures I don’t want to ever part with. If you are anything like me your heart fills with joy when you get a letter in the mail, the thought of someone thinking of you enough to send you a letter is a comforting feeling. I remember the day I received one particular letter in the mail, dated 12/30/06. It was from the adoptive parents and I couldn’t wait to read the latest of

When you think of the term 'open' you think of the ability to freely go in and out...like a restaurant displaying their sign 'open'. They don't attach any stipulations to that term such as you can only come in on my good days or you can only eat what I place in front of you...that wouldn't appear to be the 'open' we are all accustomed to. So when you say 'open adoption' does it mean that as a birth mother you can walk in and out of the life of the adoptive parents freely? OR does it mean that the adoptive parents can walk in and out of yours just the same? There seems to be no true definition across the board… [more]

We all carry around with us special dates in our mind, be it birthday's, anniversaries, adoption dates. On the flip side we also carry around with us dates that altered us forever, be it the day you chose to lovingly give your child up for adoption or the date you lost a loved one...whatever it may be they are permanently stored. For the longest time I was hung up on the 'difficult' dates, but as time has passed and wounds healed I learned to see the good in those 'difficult' dates. After giving up my son for adoption (hate the term giving up btw) that first year was difficult. I was hung up on the dates and special things that he was experiencing that… [more]

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."  -Anonymous As a birth mom, one of the things I have heard the most from others is 'I could never do that' or 'I don't think I could ever be that strong or unselfish'. It doesn't bother me to hear these things, I often think they are meant as compliments. But, I just realize that they can't understand the situation I was put in. I love this quote (above) because I know it is so true! You never know what you are capable of until you are actually presented with the situation. I used to think of myself as such a

I just wrote about living life for yourself. But I need to remind you of something equally as important. Are you taking care of yourself? Are you having yearly check ups? Do you go to the dentist regularly? Are you getting annual eye exams? Have you had the testing appropriate for your age? Are you refraining from cigarettes, alcohol and drug abuse? Do you practice safe sex? Do you take a multivitamin? Why do I ask? Two reasons. First and foremost, being healthy means being around for your relinquished child. (And parented children, however, this post is about the child you have placed for adoption.) If you are in an open adoption, your child expects you to be available for scheduled visits or letters or at-will communication. If questions arise, you… [more]

Sometimes I say that I live my life so that my parented sons and my placed daughter will all be proud of me. And while that is maybe a secondary goal, I have decided that it is not my primary goal anymore. Don't get me wrong: I want to live an upstanding life. I want to be successful. I want to be a good person. But I have decided that living for my children, parented or placed, puts too much pressure on them. And on me! I'm going to make mistakes. I'm going to say silly things and embarrass my parented sons. I'm going to do that wrong thing and make my placed daughter angry with me. Perhaps they'll gang up and dub me the "worst mother/birth mother in the world" as… [more]