Autumn Leaves

November 10th, 2013

I came to California from Illinois, thinking I don't know what I expected to be honest, but all I know is I spent the first three weeks in tears, crying my heart out  learning healthy boundaries for the first time in years. I chose to attend Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry(BSSM) in April of this year. In coming here, I realized how much I loved my family and no matter how betrayed I felt by specific people, that in order to move forward I had to heal and allow myself to grieve parts of my life I had long forgotten about. Coming here was no easy task. Part of the journey to get here I had to uncover some ugly truth, and deal with a past I would much rather forget… [more]

The Body Remembers

June 6th, 2013

It's an incredible thing, the way your body remembers things that you thought you had forgotten. You'll hear a lyric on the radio, and suddenly, you are transported to another time, a memory reflecting in the walls of your mind. Sometimes it's a smell, or a texture, occasionally, the memory can surprise you. Other times it can be more predictable, because it's a date, something you know is coming- a birthday, an anniversary. This year, my son turned ten. I expected his birthday to be hardest, and I prepped myself for the emotional onslaught that is usually attached with the day. However, the day came and went with little notice for me. I celebrated him in my own ways, as I always do, and I still felt that deep sense of… [more]

Ten Years In Adoption

May 30th, 2013

10Today, my son is ten. In fact, on this evening, ten years ago, I was sitting in a hospital room, with a good friend, eating dinner, while he convinced me that I should name my son after him. After all, he had been there when I found out I was pregnant, and had been ready to tell everyone he was the father, too. He wasn't, but his devotion to me, and to my son was sweet. He just wanted to make me smile; and I did, for the most part when he was around. The rest of out my hours were spent crying. Those hours turned into night, and into day, and then night again, and suddenly, it was time for me to… [more]

Honor

May 24th, 2013

heartIn May, there is often a lot of focus on the adoption community mainly due to Mother's Day, and of course, Birthmother's Day. Myself personally, I don't celebrate Birthmother's Day.  Mother's Day is just one of those really tough days for me as mother who has relinquished. Beyond that, I struggle with the very idea that once a year, we should pay tribute to the women who had mothering roles in our life. I don't like that there is this expectation, one that I admittedly have and do participate in to a degree, that we shower our mother's with extravagance, and devoted love, on just one day. We should be doing our best to honor our mother's throughout the year. Nothing fancy… [more]

That’s What Best Friends Are For

November 26th, 2011

bestFor the last 3 weeks I have been going through a really ugly depression, sort of lost but in perfect awareness of who I am and where I was headed. I was so utterly lonely, that I couldn't utter the words to people around me that, "I was depressed". So my best friend of 15 years, Jenny, came to town to visit. She is one of the people I called upon post placement, who would answer at any time for me, when my whole world was falling apart. She described it best, that I knew what I was doing was for the best but I was torn. So lately, while writing about my adoption views and my experiences in general, I have been… [more]

A Good Birthmom

October 20th, 2011

bridgeI can’t answer whether I’m a good birthmom to my 19 year-old son, and I’m not sure if there is anyone qualified to answer that question.  I’m not sure I know what a birthmom is in the first place.  A lonely and sad mother.  A mother who lives a different life, far from where her child is real, and growing.  A mother who can never heal, because her child truly lives and yet has died for her.  There is no Hallmark card for that. I’m adopted too – unlike my son’s, mine was a closed adoption.  I know what my birthmom is like.  She is too little, too late.  She is an open wound, hidden behind thick walls, and whatever comfort she finds… [more]

Fall 2011: Growing Up and Away

October 18th, 2011

heart treeWhen you place a child, it changes you forever. I am reminded of the saying "having a baby changes everything". And boy, do they mean everything. As I look introspectively in this season, watching tree's leaves fall, the colors change I realize I have changed, and even better, I am changing. I used to have unhealthy relationships, and breaking away from them is very difficult, but in the end, I am better off. I have learned several things because of adoption: 1.Choose your partner with the same sincerity and desire (the best for you) as you chose for your birth son or daughter. You are worth it. Do you know how brave you are, (and trust me I am saying this as much… [more]

The Letter

September 13th, 2011

BootsI tend to hold onto letters that I receive from people in my life that hold a special spot. Birthday cards from my children and husband, letters from my Grandma from over the years as well as letters from the adoptive parents of my placed son, Will. They are treasures I don’t want to ever part with. If you are anything like me your heart fills with joy when you get a letter in the mail, the thought of someone thinking of you enough to send you a letter is a comforting feeling. I remember the day I received one particular letter in the mail, dated 12/30/06. It was from the adoptive parents and I couldn’t wait to read the latest of

How ‘Open’ is Open Adoption

August 24th, 2011

My boysWhen you think of the term 'open' you think of the ability to freely go in and out...like a restaurant displaying their sign 'open'. They don't attach any stipulations to that term such as you can only come in on my good days or you can only eat what I place in front of you...that wouldn't appear to be the 'open' we are all accustomed to. So when you say 'open adoption' does it mean that as a birth mother you can walk in and out of the life of the adoptive parents freely? OR does it mean that the adoptive parents can walk in and out of yours just the same? There seems to be no true definition across the board… [more]

Day’s Like These…

August 11th, 2011

Birthday smileWe all carry around with us special dates in our mind, be it birthday's, anniversaries, adoption dates. On the flip side we also carry around with us dates that altered us forever, be it the day you chose to lovingly give your child up for adoption or the date you lost a loved one...whatever it may be they are permanently stored. For the longest time I was hung up on the 'difficult' dates, but as time has passed and wounds healed I learned to see the good in those 'difficult' dates. After giving up my son for adoption (hate the term giving up btw) that first year was difficult. I was hung up on the dates and special things that he was experiencing that… [more]