The Treasure

September 23rd, 2011

#C513480951108#P745061951108#F8#How do you explain in words something you treasure or covet? Like the pair of sweats that you have had for way too many years but never want to part from, the handkerchief that was once your Grandma‚Äôs that sits in a drawer. What about treasures of your children‚Äôs? You would think they would be simple items like their ‚Äėbest‚Äô drawing ‚Äėever‚Äô that they chose to save, their best Lego guy or their first blanket. You can sum them all up as irreplaceable to the owner, right? In our home we have one special treasure, it is a little book that ties together with a piece of string on the front and is red and blue. I can see it perfectly without… [more]

How ‘Open’ is Open Adoption

August 24th, 2011

My boysWhen you think of the term 'open' you think of the ability to freely go in and out...like a restaurant displaying their sign 'open'. They don't attach any stipulations to that term such as you can only come in on my good days or you can only eat what I place in front of you...that wouldn't appear to be the 'open' we are all accustomed to. So when you say 'open adoption' does it mean that as a birth mother you can walk in and out of the life of the adoptive parents freely? OR does it mean that the adoptive parents can walk in and out of yours just the same? There seems to be no true definition across the board… [more]

Is There Any Reason to Refuse Reunion Contact?

October 28th, 2008

I've been seeing some posts on the forums that concern me. Adoptees have been asking why their birth parents are refusing reunion contact. And, trust me, I'm not really concerned about the birth parents in these scenarios. Don't get me wrong. I get that everyone has their reasons. I get the fact that many mothers (and fathers) from the closed era were told to just forget about the children that they relinquished for adoption. I get that many of these same birth parents never told their subsequent children or spouses about the child that they relinquished. But I'm failing to see how any of this is the adoptee's fault. And I'm failing to understand how punishing the adoptee solves anything in this convoluted mess. My initial question asking if there is… [more]

Three Mothers

April 1st, 2008

Every now and then I read something that warms my heart. With all the gloom and doom that surrounds adoption (or, any subject), it's nice to see a glimmer of hope or happiness in words of another touched by the triad. A post by an adoptee made me smile for many reasons this morning. It's not an all-around happy post as there are some issues that sit deep within but the sentiment makes me, as a birth mother, feel warm and fuzzy. The post author talks about her "three mothers." The first, of course, is her birth mother. She has never met her but acknowledges her presence in her life. The second is her foster mother whom she will be meeting for the second time ever!… [more]

A Video that Birth Parents Need to Watch

December 14th, 2007

Closed. Open. Semi-open. In limbo. In reunion. No matter the status of your adoption, if you're a birth parent, you need to watch these two videos. Entitled "Dear Mom," these two videos feature interviews with adoptees regarding their relinquishment, their knowledge of their adoption, opinions on the matter and issues surrounding search and reunion. Each adoptee (mostly female, one male) had a different experience. Each adoptee had a different point of view starting the process. Each adoptee had a different life story growing up. Why is it so important for birth parents to watch these videos? These are "our" children. Okay, so I didn't give birth to any of these well-spoken individuals. However, they speak to what I do not understand as I am not… [more]

Handing Over the Reins

June 8th, 2007

Some adult adoptees are very bothered about the fact that they feel that they have had no control over many important decisions throughout their lifetimes regarding their adoptions. Few children actually get to pick their parents, so that alone is not enough to make adoptees feel a lack of control over their own lives. However, adoptees are not deemed competent, or so it seems, even as adults to be capable of wisely dealing with the identity of their birth family. Although there are a few rare instances of wild, out of control stalker adoptees, their numbers are scarce. Most adoptees are intelligent, sensitive and respectable human beings. They can generally handle, and are trustworthy enough to be entitled to the names… [more]

Reunions – Good and Bad

May 22nd, 2007

In a recent post about reunion, Abby, adoptee blogger, mentioned that not all reunions are story book happy endings ‚Äď or words to that effect. She talks about how birth mothers need to be reasonable and not expect too much from their children. I am paraphrasing her words here, but hopefully that is the general gist of what she meant. Read her post for the sake of accuracy. I could not agree with her more. Over the past few years, I have met many birth mothers. Most of them are amazing women ‚Äď courageous, accomplished and wise. I know less stellar birth mothers exist, I just rarely happen to meet them. Some birth parents are impatient… [more]

Protecting Your Heart in Adoption

May 22nd, 2007

As I was still smarting from not hearing from my son on Mothers Day this year, I considered the whole concept of ‚Äúprotecting your heart.‚ÄĚ During the time I have spent in the adoption community the last few years, I have discovered the fragility of many reunion relationships. Even reunion relationships that have endured for many years sometimes seem to go awry. The prospect of a reunion relationship falling apart is one that causes uneasiness and concern for many reunited birth parents and adoptees. No one feels immune from rejection and/or a stalled relationship. The last few years of my reunion relationship have been steady and comfortable. I felt at ease about our relationship and fairly confident that it would… [more]

Reunion Visits

May 19th, 2007

Each subsequent visit is more comfortable than the last for most people who reunite. Although I think I appeared calm and composed when my son and I had our first face-to-face meeting during reunion, before the meeting I was skittish, excited and a bit scared. Our first visit was huge for me and the night before I left, I was a wreck. However, I did not want to present myself to my son as a pathetic, weepy mess. Although I am an emotional person, I was determined not to cry when we met or appear unstable or pathetically needy. I took a bubble bath right before we met, and calmed my frayed nerves. That bubble bath was just what… [more]

Birth Parents in Reunion – Fears and Realities

May 14th, 2007

There was a blip yesterday in my reunion. Hopefully, that is all that it was. Right now, I do not know. It only hit me yesterday as I was writing that I had not yet heard from my relinquished son on Mothers' Day how afraid I was that he might not call. For the past four years, he has called me, and then yesterday he did not. There could be many reasons why he did not call - some more significant than others. However, not hearing from him was a sharp reminder to me about one of the greatest fears that nearly everyone in reunion has from time to time. In fact, the fear is so great that I believe it is also responsible… [more]