Family and Friends

December 26th, 2011

friendsI spent last night playing various board games--Taboo, Scattergories, and a few others. It was fun, and despite plans of a movie falling through, it has been a decent holiday. The feelings of yesterday seemed to have their place, and the sorrow and grief that threatened to encompass me are sitting at my side like a faithful dog. I am choosing to allow them to be expressed; allowing myself to feel what I traditionally hid from. It's not that I didn't deal with them, I just wasn't willing to incorporate them into my life. Finding joy in the small things, like spending time with family and friends, is healing and therapeutic. It's funny how adoption changes things; how it makes simple things a touch more difficult… [more]

That’s What Best Friends Are For

November 26th, 2011

bestFor the last 3 weeks I have been going through a really ugly depression, sort of lost but in perfect awareness of who I am and where I was headed. I was so utterly lonely, that I couldn't utter the words to people around me that, "I was depressed". So my best friend of 15 years, Jenny, came to town to visit. She is one of the people I called upon post placement, who would answer at any time for me, when my whole world was falling apart. She described it best, that I knew what I was doing was for the best but I was torn. So lately, while writing about my adoption views and my experiences in general, I have been… [more]

How ‘Open’ is Open Adoption

August 24th, 2011

My boysWhen you think of the term 'open' you think of the ability to freely go in and a restaurant displaying their sign 'open'. They don't attach any stipulations to that term such as you can only come in on my good days or you can only eat what I place in front of you...that wouldn't appear to be the 'open' we are all accustomed to. So when you say 'open adoption' does it mean that as a birth mother you can walk in and out of the life of the adoptive parents freely? OR does it mean that the adoptive parents can walk in and out of yours just the same? There seems to be no true definition across the board… [more]

Day’s Like These…

August 11th, 2011

Birthday smileWe all carry around with us special dates in our mind, be it birthday's, anniversaries, adoption dates. On the flip side we also carry around with us dates that altered us forever, be it the day you chose to lovingly give your child up for adoption or the date you lost a loved one...whatever it may be they are permanently stored. For the longest time I was hung up on the 'difficult' dates, but as time has passed and wounds healed I learned to see the good in those 'difficult' dates. After giving up my son for adoption (hate the term giving up btw) that first year was difficult. I was hung up on the dates and special things that he was experiencing that… [more]

What is Your Title?

August 3rd, 2011

(OLy)-758_2So often we get caught up in the titles we have been given in our life; best athlete, honor student, top performer...the list can and will go on. As we reach adulthood we strive for even more; Manager, Director, COO, CEO, Chairman. What is it about these titles that we strive to have? The feeling of importance? There is something common with all of those titles, they were GIVEN to you...what is a title you have GIVEN yourself? My titles: birth mother, wife, mommy, children's book author, friend. If you think about it, the titles you give yourself hold the most meaning...they will follow you beyond your athletic years, beyond your college studies, beyond your career and beyond your paycheck. Your title says a lot… [more]

Sperm Donors

January 6th, 2011

guyThis term is often heard throughout the adoption world. We consider some birth fathers as merely 'Sperm Donors'. Why? Well, because many of us believe that all we got out of the relationship or from the man was his sperm. Sometimes that's all he cares to give, and sometimes we don't know him well enough to expect much more. More often than not, we use this as a very negative term. I like to refer to my baby's biological father as a 'birth father'. Many would consider him a Sperm Donor because he was not at all involved in my adoption process (except when he helped complicate things) and has never even seen a picture of her. But, he knew

My Placement Experience

January 5th, 2011

My family and I at PlacementI chose to be as comfortable as possible at my placement. I wanted it to be one of the things I had control over and got to plan. And, it went even better than I had planned it to go in my head.

I decided to have it at my parent’s home, with all my family there. My parents and my four siblings sat on the left of me while I held baby E. The adoptive couple and their daughter M sat to the right of me. My case worker was there as well to help mediate. I had shared with him how I wanted things to go beforehand and… [more]

Stress Free Birthparenting

September 30th, 2009
Categories: Relationships

Stress!Stress free birthparenting? Is there such a thing? I don't quite know. In fact, I don't really think so. Catchy title though, right? Seriously, there are some tricks of the trade, whether you're in an open adoption with your child and his/her adoptive parents or in reunion with your adult adoptee that can lead to a reduced level of stress. Let's be honest: relationships that matter are rarely stress free. 1. Always use open, honest communication. Even when topics are hard, you need to communicate what you are thinking, feeling and considering. 2. Practice good listening skills! While it's important to be honest about your emotions, it's just as important to listen to the other party. If you don't understand what's being said or explained… [more]

What To Do With Negative Information

July 31st, 2009

A first mother on a private adoption discussion recently posed a real-life question. I won't give specifics as to protect her situation from public opinion. However, in the most vague of terms, the birth mother found out some not-so-great information about her relinquished child's biological father. She didn't know what to do with it, whether or not she had a duty to tell the adoptive parents and how, if at all, involved she should become. My advice? I told her to give the adoptive parents the information and let them do with it as they would as they were the ones parenting the child. I gave this advice because I see it like this: if someone who wasn't parenting my children knew something important that could… [more]

Not-So-Good Reasons to Close an Adoption

May 31st, 2009
Categories: Relationships

Adoptive parents have the right to close an open adoption. Even in states that offer legally binding open adoptions, if the adoptive family can prove that the birth family poses a danger or that contact is no longer in the best interest of the child, the adoption can be closed. I discussed some reasons for such a thing. But the truth remains that some adoptions are closed for reasons that are not quite so evident or legitimate. These reasons are often based in fear, wrong assumptions or the inability to discern good advice from not-so-good advice. What are some of these reasons? 1. The child has started asking big questions. As such, the adoptive parents are scared. This, of course, is a normal response. Everyday, non-adoptive-parents get… [more]