Handling Uncomfortable Conversations

July 30th, 2007
Categories: How to..., Support

Oh No! As my readers may know, I'm pretty open about my role as a birth mother even if it takes me awhile to find the comfort level with a person so that I can best share the information. Yet there are relationships that don't always leave room for deep and heartfelt conversations about things like adoption, debunking myths and how much I love my daughter. Casual relationships at work, friends of friends or family and other inconsequential meetings don't often leave time, room or need for a lengthy discussion on the topic. That doesn't always mean that adoption won't come up with said people. I experienced it this weekend while talking with a friend of my cousin. In a group of about six or seven… [more]

How to Trust Again

June 21st, 2007

Trust is often a huge roadblock for birth parents in relationships after relinquishment. I imagine that for anyone who has felt betrayed, given bad advice or been taken advantage of in some way that trust issues may arise. Nearly everyone has probably had their trust betrayed in some way. However, few breaches in trust have consequences as significant as losing a child. Not all birth parents develop trust issues as not all feel that they were pressured or given bad advice. Nearly all the birth parents I know feel betrayed or that they placed their trust in the wrong people. Society, in general, sometimes becomes a target. For some birth parents in my generation, the social dictates of the times greatly affected any decision… [more]

How to Forgive Others

June 5th, 2007

When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. Catherine Ponder Some of you may know that I recently completed an e-book on search and reunion for adoption.com. This excerpt discusses the forgiveness that is needed at reunion. (A plug for my e-book? Who me?) However, there can be many opportunities for forgiveness in adoption. In open or closed adoptions, events occur that wound us and sometimes make us want to remain angry or upset with ourselves or someone else. Sometimes we might be angry at society in general. For birth mothers, we often tend to be our own… [more]

How to Survive the Worst Adoption Days

June 5th, 2007
Categories: How to...

Some adoptees say that adoption is rarely something that they think about much. It is part of who they are, and they see no need to analyze the whole situation and agonize over their fate. These kinds of feelings may last a lifetime or change at some point in their lives. For most of the rest of us, adoption issues may plague us constantly or pop up throughout our lives. How much we are affected depends on the issue, our mood on a certain day and many other factors. However, there are certain events/days/triggers that can derail us. Bad birth mother days can sometimes seem nearly impossible to endure. On those particular woeful and excruciating days, you may be in such agony, you wonder if… [more]

How to Get Along With Each Other

May 30th, 2007

The key to succeeding in adoption is to never lose sight that adoption is supposed to serve our children's interests first. For both sets of parents, to maintain a amicable relationship can be of great benefit for a child. I realize that this is not always possible. Here are a few reminders to aid you in getting along with your child's other parents: 1. For birth parents, unless asked, keep mum on any child-raising issues. Only in rare situations will the adoptive parents seek or appreciate your opinions on child-raising. They are entitled to parent however they choose, and will not likely want your opinion on how to handle certain situations or issues. Of course, there will be some exceptions, but do not volunteer… [more]

How to be a Birth Mother in the Public Eye

May 24th, 2007

Strap on your armor because you need to be tough! There is no substitute for on the job training for a birth mother who decides to go public. Hmmm, come to think of it, maybe we could benefit from a class or two? There is no real way to prepare yourself for what you will face when you choose to discuss adoption issues on public forums. I am learning fast, but still have much to learn. Here are a few suggestions: 1. Be ready to defend your positions in the calmest manner possible. Depending on your own personality, this might not be easy. However, it is a challenge to be able to present strong ideas so that people will hear you… [more]

How to Honor a Birth Mother

May 12th, 2007

On various forums including the forums at adoption.com, I sometimes see adoptive mothers requesting suggestions for appropriate gifts for birth mothers on such occasions as Mothers' Day. My thoughts on this subject always drift towards the same conclusion. Material gifts are often welcomed tokens, however, there are other ways to honor birth mothers with more significance, in my mind at least. As much as I love receiving gifts, (and my husband will attest to the fact that I truly do) I thoroughly appreciate less material gifts as well. What can adoptees and adoptive parents do for the birth mothers in their lives? Adoptees can pick up the phone and call their birth mothers on Mothers' Day and wish her Happy Mothers' Day… [more]

How to be a Good Birth Mother – Closed Adoption

May 7th, 2007

By being a good birth mother, I am not referring to that stereotypical birth mother of yesteryear who handed over her child and walked off into the sunset never to be heard from again. Asking that from a mother is a far greater punishment than the “crime” of an unplanned pregnancy deserves. (And no, I do not really believe that an unplanned pregnancy is a crime!) Neither do I believe that it is being a good birth mother to a child if one seemingly disappears off the face of the earth never to be seen or heard from again. Although mothers of my generation were told that was what they were supposed to do, I believe that they were mislead. Here are some suggestions for… [more]

How to Preserve Siblings Ties

May 2nd, 2007
Categories: How to...

Sibling ties are worth preserving, and it heartens me to realize how growing numbers of adoptive and birth parents are beginning to understand this fact. There are many encouraging indications that there is a huge trend to help maintain sibling ties when possible. There are many ways to do this. Some of our adoptionblogs.com adoptive moms are well aware of this and are making some wonderful efforts in this regard. Here are some of those ways to help maintain sibling ties: 1. Adopt a sibling group - Obviously, this is a no brainer, and may be the best and most involved way to maintain contact between siblings. Several of our adoptionblogs.com bloggers have adopted sibling groups, and/or are in the process. This is… [more]

How to Deal With a Closed Adoption

April 28th, 2007

Honestly, I did a lousy job of dealing with the fact of my son’s closed adoption. Instead of dealing with the pain, I blocked it out and saved it up. At reunion, it was like a volcano erupted (I was the volcano). All those buried emotions came to the surface with a vengeance and brought me to my knees. There are better ways to deal with a closed adoption. Ignoring it all allows you to survive, but there is a price to not attending to dealing with your loss. In retrospect, I would have handled a lot differently. Here are better ways to deal with a closed adoption: 1. Instead of ignoring your relinquished child’s birthday as I did, I wish… [more]