Autumn Leaves

November 10th, 2013

I came to California from Illinois, thinking I don't know what I expected to be honest, but all I know is I spent the first three weeks in tears, crying my heart out  learning healthy boundaries for the first time in years. I chose to attend Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry(BSSM) in April of this year. In coming here, I realized how much I loved my family and no matter how betrayed I felt by specific people, that in order to move forward I had to heal and allow myself to grieve parts of my life I had long forgotten about. Coming here was no easy task. Part of the journey to get here I had to uncover some ugly truth, and deal with a past I would much rather forget… [more]

Giving Birth to New Life: Part 2

July 28th, 2011

Olson FamilyWe have all heard the words before 'you are just like your mother' or 'you are your father's son'. When you hear those words said it is usually meant to be a compliment, right? Well, in my world it was quite the opposite, to hear 'you are turning out like your mother' meant I had done something terribly wrong...those words still send shooting pains to my stomach. So you can imagine that when I found out I was pregnant, out of wedlock, I anticipated those words rolling off the lips of my father. To my shock he didn't even mention it, in fact he didn't have much to say at all. Over the course of my pregnancy my father and step-mother seemed… [more]

Adoption Parents and Guilt – Reasons

June 2nd, 2007
Categories: Adoptive Parents, Guilt

No more "guilt" for awhile after this post! I was on a roll. As I mentioned in Adoptive Parents - Feeling Guilty, I think if I were an adoptive parent, I probably would feel guilty if there were ethical or moral breaches in my adoption. Here are some of the acts that would disturb me and probably make me feel guilty: 1. If I did not thoroughly investigate the agency as far as its ethical and moral practices. 2. If I noticed something peculiar going on during the adoption process, but ignored it. This is something that I have heard a few adoptive parents mention doing themselves, and it does make me cringe. (Just yesterday, I also heard from an adoptive mom… [more]

Birth Mother Guilt

May 25th, 2007
Categories: Guilt

Most birth mothers experience some guilt for not raising their child. Rarely do birth mothers view relinquishing or placing their child for adoption as a reason to pat themselves on the back and believe that they have done something wonderful. Some people always view placing a children for adoption in a noble light. However, many birth mothers feel as though they failed their child by not raising them. Placing a child for adoption is very complicated and may or may not be a noble and/or wise decision. In some cases, placing a child for adoption could be the right choice. However, even when it is, it is not likely that a birth mother will be immune from feeling some guilt… [more]

Core Issues in Adoption: Guilt & Shame

May 24th, 2007

Guilt and ShameI approach this issue with minor hesitation. It's a big topic that I'm hoping to cover with some sense of coherence. Guilt and shame are tied into adoption for so many birth parents for so many different reasons. So, let's give it a go. First and foremost, I think it will be necessary to define both guilt and shame so we can differentiate the two as we try to cover this issue. When researching this topic, I came across a great quote that will help readers (those dealing with the topic and those not) understand the differences. "Guilt says I've done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I've made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what… [more]

Guilt and Christmas! Oh Joy!

December 23rd, 2006
Categories: Guilt, Holidays

Christmas PresentsThis year's Christmas guilt is flip-flopped. I guess I'll never win! Last year, I spent the days before Christmas and Christmas day feeling rather upset because I didn't get Munchkin and JD's presents mailed out until too late. I felt guilty that they wouldn't have their presents on Christmas day. Not that JD would have noticed, being a month and a half old. Not that the Munchkin minded another round of opening presents. But it laid heavy on my heart. This year? I took all the Christmas presents out when we went out for the birthday visit. They have them to open on Christmas morning. I was proud that I did the shopping, got everything wrapped and managed to get them to the family in more… [more]

New Emotions

December 12th, 2006

Special Pics of Us Today TooToday's experiences brought a bunch of new facets to my adoption journey. Some of it has already been healing. Some of it has brought about a whole new area of healing that needs to be explored. I knew that this was a big step for both L and the Munchkin but I didn't realize how today's meeting would effect me on so many levels. On a positive healing note, a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Earlier in the year, my beloved therapist encouraged and helped me to remove myself from the middle of interactions between L and J & D. While I was and am still available to both of them for questions or advice, removing myself… [more]

Going to Church When You Feel Like a Huge Sinner

October 8th, 2006

PrayerWhen we bought our house this past February, we move out of the area of our old church. The church where we were married. The church in which our Son was baptized (on our first anniversary, no less). The church where we felt at home. Looking for a new church is no fun and basically sucks. However, we've finally settled into one. We like the Pastor, the people that we have met and the childrens' programs. But oh, goodness, I hate going alone. My Husband is a professional firefighter. He works 24 hours on and then has 48 hours off. Every third Sunday, he has to work. (Throw in the Army once a month and he's not at church with us very often.) Today, I'll be going… [more]

Munchkin’s Birthfather: His Grief, Guilt and Sorrow

October 4th, 2006

Broken HeartedI harbored a lot of anger towards Munchkin's firstfather, L, for a very long time. I didn't understand how he could leave us high and dry and force me to make the hardest decision of my life while completely alone. Thankfully, therapy helped me work through some of those issues. At that point, I was able to step back from my grief, guilt and sorrow and take a look at his own. He's not a man of visible emotions. I've known that for the almost ten years we have known each other. He is outwardly strong and powerful. He is intelligent and uses that intelligence to get what he desires, both in good and bad ways. He is also, at his core, human. While visiting the… [more]

When Words Hurt: No Birthmothers Allowed!

September 26th, 2006

I'm Sad TonightHave you ever read something that physically pained you? No, I'm not talking about a graphic description of an episiotomy. I mean something that caused such an emotional reaction within your being that you physically felt pain. Your stomach turned or you felt as if your chest was imploding causing your breathing to become labored? Welcome to my life, five minutes ago. I was reading an Opinion article on Yahoo! News. Granted, it's opinion. I shouldn't let that bother me, right? I'm a strong, independent woman with thoughts and feelings of my own and the words of others mean nothing to me. Except... they do. In The New Revolution in Parenthood: Does Biology Matter, Maggie Gallagher attempts to tackle the tough question of… [more]