Autumn Leaves

November 10th, 2013

I came to California from Illinois, thinking I don't know what I expected to be honest, but all I know is I spent the first three weeks in tears, crying my heart out ¬†learning healthy boundaries for the first time in years. I chose to attend Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry(BSSM) in April of this year. In coming here, I realized how much I loved my family and no matter how betrayed I felt by specific people, that in order to move forward I had to heal and allow myself to grieve parts of my life I had long forgotten about. Coming here was no easy task. Part of the journey to get here I had to uncover some ugly truth, and deal with a past I would much rather forget… [more]

Embrace The Grief

May 1st, 2013

Coping with Loss blog imageTen years ago, I was swollen, pregnant, and wondering when my son would make his way into the world. In May, I would go to the hospital at least half a dozen times thinking it was time, until it was really was time. I would spend three short days, three of the most vivid days to date, and three of the saddest days I have yet to survive. Here I am, ten years later, in the same city. You see, after the adoption, I tried to erase my past, the days before I had my son. I didn't want to deal with the idea that life existed before him, so I numbed myself, and I moved out of the… [more]

Christmas Mourning

December 25th, 2011

christmasThere is an emptiness aching in my chest tonight, throbbing and sending echoes of pain through me. It is keeping me up, and I am somewhat at unrest. I was laying in bed thinking about my idea of a perfect day, a perfect gift. I was thinking about Phoenix. I want to read him a story, hug him, know the joy of his smile beaming back at me. I want nothing more then a moment in time to say hello on this sorrowful Christmas. I sometimes feel like my heart is missing, and it wanders away to darker places for me. Today is one of those. He is going to wake up and have a Christmas with his family, and I will be here, thinking… [more]

That’s What Best Friends Are For

November 26th, 2011

bestFor the last 3 weeks I have been going through a really ugly depression, sort of lost but in perfect awareness of who I am and where I was headed. I was so utterly lonely, that I couldn't utter the words to people around me that, "I was depressed". So my best friend of 15 years, Jenny, came to town to visit. She is one of the people I called upon post placement, who would answer at any time for me, when my whole world was falling apart. She described it best, that I knew what I was doing was for the best but I was torn. So lately, while writing about my adoption views and my experiences in general, I have been… [more]

Beauty from Ashes

November 9th, 2011

bunnyAs a birth-first parent I sometimes think I have lost everything but regained so much because of adoption. When I chose adoption, a part of my spirit was utterly crushed and I battled¬† with depression and anxiety so bad that being a zombie on anti-depressants was my only way of getting through the day. I was also, very alone in this, meaning that I didn't have anyone to talk to who innately understood my grief and its reasons. It is almost 3 years now, since I handed him to the nurse and let him go. It was my choice. I could have fought for him, but in a way I did. I gave him the life I wanted for him, not the one… [more]

Giving Birth to New Life: Part 2

July 28th, 2011

Olson FamilyWe have all heard the words before 'you are just like your mother' or 'you are your father's son'. When you hear those words said it is usually meant to be a compliment, right? Well, in my world it was quite the opposite, to hear 'you are turning out like your mother' meant I had done something terribly wrong...those words still send shooting pains to my stomach. So you can imagine that when I found out I was pregnant, out of wedlock, I anticipated those words rolling off the lips of my father. To my shock he didn't even mention it, in fact he didn't have much to say at all. Over the course of my pregnancy my father and step-mother seemed… [more]

Grieving

January 13th, 2011

grief You don't get over it, you just get through it. You don't get by it, because you can't get around it. It doesn't 'get better'; it just gets different. Everyday ,  Grief puts on a new face . ~Wendy Feireisen Grief comes to you when you least expect it. And you absolutely can't 'get by it' when it hits you in the face and you just begin bawling.  My most intense feelings of grief have taken place unplanned and when I was totally caught off guard. You never know what will trigger grief and I believe that sometimes your body just needs

It’s Family Picture Day!

August 20th, 2009
Categories: Grief

We're currently on vacation at the beach. By we, of course, I am meaning my husband and two parented sons. My parents, brother and sister-in-law are also down here, making for a great time. Late this afternoon, we are having our pictures taken on the beach. As an immediate family, we get our picture taken once a year. It's easier that way when small children are involved. It's about all I can handle! I'm excited to have them taken on the beach this year. I hope at least one turns out semi-decent. Picture day, stressful in its own hectic way, also leaves me feeling a sadness. As a birth mother, there is always a child missing from my family portrait. She's here, in my heart, but she's… [more]

The “Want My Baby Back” Blues

March 26th, 2009
Categories: Grief

A birth mother recently posted a question on the forums. She asked how to deal with the "want him back" blues. Her signature let me know that she birthed and placed her son in December of last year. Her grief is still fresh, still deep. While the news and fictional medias (books, movies, television shows) would have you believe that birth parents all deal with this issue or that it is a constant thought in their head, that's not quite the case. I think most would agree that it is a thought process shortly after the physical relinquishment. In fact, this thought process fits perfectly into the normal grief module. How? It's the bargaining stage mixed with a bit of denial. The denial, of course, is… [more]

That Helpless Feeling

March 22nd, 2009
Categories: Grief

I'm currently dealing with something that is not all that enjoyable. My daughter, whom I relinquished for adoption, is currently rather ill. She is actually in the hospital. What started out as a double ear infection has gone rather awry. While I am sure that she will get better with proper medical attention and the attentiveness of her mom, I've been left with a rather helpless feeling over here. We live a good six to seven hours from one another. I can't merely jump in the car and run over there to either offer hugs or run errands for her mom. While talking with her mom on the phone, she reassured me that she, too, feels helpless as she can't magically make the Munchkin just feel better… [more]