November 13th, 2011

heartAfter I placed Phoenix into the loving arms of my nurse, and the social workers left, leaving me alone. There was a moment when hope took a nose dive and I was fully aware of everything around me, and the pain was like something that seemed impossible for one person to have. November is National Adoption Month, fitting with the American tradition of family that is thanksgiving. I am thankful for the people who were there after, who watched me fall apart and pull myself together. I am thankful for my family, the Warners, who if I hadn't been able to go to their house that first night post hospital, I don't know if I could have handled it. Being thankful, for so much… [more]

Giving Birth to New Life: Part 2

July 28th, 2011

Olson FamilyWe have all heard the words before 'you are just like your mother' or 'you are your father's son'. When you hear those words said it is usually meant to be a compliment, right? Well, in my world it was quite the opposite, to hear 'you are turning out like your mother' meant I had done something terribly wrong...those words still send shooting pains to my stomach. So you can imagine that when I found out I was pregnant, out of wedlock, I anticipated those words rolling off the lips of my father. To my shock he didn't even mention it, in fact he didn't have much to say at all. Over the course of my pregnancy my father and step-mother seemed… [more]


January 21st, 2011

swingGoing from having a child, and feeling the change that comes from being a mother, back to living as if you never had that experience, is incredibly hard. Becoming a mother is truly life changing. How can I ever go back to the way life was before I was a mother? I know I never will go back, or would never want to, emotionally. But, I am now forced to live as if it never happened, because of her absence. It tears a person apart. I feel sometimes like I am living a lie, even though all those around me, that are close to me, know all about my child and my… [more]

Hopes and Dreams

July 17th, 2009
Categories: Dreams

I was once told by someone here on the blogs that I didn't have a right to miss my daughter during a Pittsburgh Steelers game. I mean, what if she didn't like football? What if she didn't want to watch the game? Why was I projecting my likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams on a child that wasn't even mine. (Emphasis not my own.) I kind of chuckled at the harsh response. At the time, my husband and I were already parenting our oldest son. I knew all about the likes and dislikes of a family, the hopes and dreams of a parent and the will of a child. I also grew up in a family that had traditions whether the (sullen, emotional) teenagers wanted to participate… [more]

Nightmares? Oh Yeah.

September 26th, 2007
Categories: Dreams

A new first mother posted on the forums about her recurring nightmares. She asked if other birth mothers had experienced the same thing. The overwhelming response? A resounding, "Been there, done that!" Some brief research on nightmares explains why so many birth parents chimed in with similar stories to share. Wikipedia defines a nightmare as such: The current usage of the term nightmare refers to a dream which causes the sleeper a strong unpleasant emotional response. Nightmares typically feature fear or horror, and/or the sensations of pain, falling, drowning or death. They can be related to physiological causes, such as a high fever; psychological ones, such as unusual trauma or stress in the sleeper's life; or commonly for no apparent cause. Nightmares can… [more]

Not In My Wildest Fantasies

July 26th, 2007

Fantasy Family Over on the forums in a section dedicated to discussion about raising boys, a member posed a question asking others about their "fantasy families." The question revolved around whether or not your current family makeup was how you envisioned it when you were a youngster and included things like marriage, housing arrangements and children. To be blunt, in my wildest dreams, I never imagined myself as a birth mother. To be frank, it's not what I would want for my children and their wildest of fantasies either. I know that the original poster probably didn't mean to make me feel overly emotional but it's just a fact of my life: I relinquished a child for adoption. I am a birth mother. This is… [more]

When Everyday Mothers Catch a Glimpse

March 30th, 2007
Categories: Dreams

DreamsA friend of mine with a locked online journal (meaning, I can't link to the post) recently had a dream about adoption. I don't often dream about adoption. However, I don't usually dream about the things that are currently going on in my life; I dream about past issues that have (or sometimes have not) been resolved, high school and things in the future. (Also tornadoes.) This friend of mine is an everyday mother to a son born around the same time as our Nicholas. To paraphrase her dream, she basically dreamt that she replied to an advertisement in which an adoptive family who already had a four year old child were seeking a toddler aged boy. They met and the friend decided to place with… [more]

Dreams for Our Children and A Song

February 21st, 2007
Categories: Dreams

Browsing in a local bookstore recently, I came across a small book by country singer, Lee Ann Womack called, "I hope you dance." This little gem of a book is based on her song of the same name. Listen here. It is slow loading, but worth it! Listening to the words of this song make me think of all that I wanted for my son Chris. Some people seem so blasé about life, not truly enjoying it or being awed by nature and all the miraculous offerings. I hoped that the son that I relinquished would enjoy and appreciate his life. That was the whole point after all; I wanted him to have the best possible life. Seeing this book reminded me… [more]

Dreams and Nightmares for Birth/First Mothers

February 12th, 2007
Categories: Adoption Reform, Dreams

Jenna spoke recently of dreams and mentioned that many birth moms dream of the children they placed for adoption. Five years before my son found me, cracks appeared in my denial armor. Nightmares plagued me and yet, I made no connection to the loss of my son. Many nights I woke up sobbing and my husband wondered what was troubling me to wake up so distraught. The nightmare was always the same. To probe its meaning would have meant dropping the denial mode. I was not quite ready. To attach meanings to dreams or nightmares is not something I am likely to do. However, the nightmare that kept recurring often during the five years before my son found me seemed too obviously relevant… [more]

Lyrics and Dreams

January 9th, 2007
Categories: Dreams, Quotes & Lyrics

DreamsSince writing the previous post about how birth parents may dream of their birth children, I've had a song running through my head. Just the chorus, really, so I decided to open my iTunes and give the song a complete listen. "Sleep to Dream Her" is a song by Dave Matthews Band, released on their sometimes loved, sometimes hated album, "Everyday." Released in January of 2003, the album fell smack into the middle of my college career and thus forever part of my life soundtrack. I spent days and nights listening to this album, contemplating life. I kissed boys to this album. I studied for tests to this album. I even discussed what this album meant for Dave Matthews Band. (I was a… [more]