Healing and Recovery

Ten years ago, I was swollen, pregnant, and wondering when my son would make his way into the world. In May, I would go to the hospital at least half a dozen times thinking it was time, until it was really was time. I would spend three short days, three of the most vivid days to date, and three of the saddest days I have yet to survive. Here I am, ten years later, in the same city. You see, after the adoption, I tried to erase my past, the days before I had my son. I didn't want to deal with the idea that life existed before him, so I numbed myself, and I moved out of the… [more]

Sometimes I look at my life, and the choices within it and it takes me back. My journey with adoption as a birth-first mother has transformed my life so much. It has changed my ability to love. I say it but truly mean it that when I saw Phoenix for the first time, and his red hair stuck up in a million directions that my heart grew. It has changed my capacity to love people in terrible situations but also I think made me more opinionated about certain things. Like life, and choosing life. Knowing what he did for me by simply being a squirmy lovely newborn I grew miles from a self centered and delusional girl. I had to make a decision and… [more]

Her story became a secret, and secrets are always burdensome and translate into shame.  Even if we didn’t view it that way when we hid it, even if our motives were not initially shame based (though they often are) we will come to see it as something worthy of being hidden. Anything we attempt to escape will come to be seen as something worthy of escape. There was a time when I skirted the topic in conversation. Every time I had to twist or orchestrate an answer so as to steer away from what I was hiding, I felt uncomfortable and sad. I think some of us, instead of heeding that discomfort, just get used to it. And it spills over. We find that… [more]

When I woke up to the snow and ice, I woke with a smile. I dreamed of a friends little boy greeting me with such love and genuine joy that it lingers in my heart even now. I realized I miss a lot of things, some of them simple and selfish, some that are impossible-- I miss spring, flip flops and long hair. I miss waking up in my own apartment, living by my own rules. I miss my queen size mattress. I also miss feeling important to someone, wanted even.  I miss the small hand clasped in mine as we walk down to the library, now that my oldest son's hand is much bigger and he is much older. I miss reading "Guess… [more]

I had what some would perceive a very good end and start to my new year. On December 24th, 2012, the Adoptive parents and family came over to my house, and I saw Jimmy. Now if I haven't talked about Jimmy before that is because Jimmy is my son whom I named Phoenix. Tara and husband and kids enjoyed the time we had together. I had a nice clean house to call home to host in, handed out presents and spent time with a curious little four year old who holds my heart so delicately in his hands that he doesn't even know it's there. Jimmy and I played the piano together and he insisted that we sing Christmas carols together, namely only… [more]

The great question of identity and being a birth-first parent is one of the many combinations within and inherent to the human condition. I read a blog recently about a  how basically we think on our biological children and obsess almost, how they fill and captivate us and one day, for some, (not all) we wake up and the ache is a little less. This continues and you think, "Maybe I am ok?" There is a deep pain in birth-parents, and it is the loss of being a parent. Hold a baby and try not to cry. I dare you not to think about your child you placed. Last night, I cried for the first time in awhile over my baby. Funny how things work… [more]

There is an emptiness aching in my chest tonight, throbbing and sending echoes of pain through me. It is keeping me up, and I am somewhat at unrest. I was laying in bed thinking about my idea of a perfect day, a perfect gift. I was thinking about Phoenix. I want to read him a story, hug him, know the joy of his smile beaming back at me. I want nothing more then a moment in time to say hello on this sorrowful Christmas. I sometimes feel like my heart is missing, and it wanders away to darker places for me. Today is one of those. He is going to wake up and have a Christmas with his family, and I will be here, thinking… [more]

Last weekend, I was blessed with the opportunity to go on my second, birth-first mom retreat. I am finding it difficult to talk about in it's wholeness, but the experience and what I can tell you is that I met some of the bravest women in this life.  From the get go, Friday night, I opened up to others for the first time in forever. No more faking the happiness I felt. While I was genuinely excited to go to the retreat, I was also struggling with feelings of self-worth and value, as well as shame. The shame was overwhelming, and for the first time in 6 years I shared my story to the fullest I have yet, with this group of women… [more]

A recent online discussion that bashed Birth-First parents left me really irate for a moment,  but then I thought, what if she was right? What if I don't matter? I can't fully explain it but  the conversation dulled me. The content itself isn't important but I wonder, will it matter that I love him? I knowingly and with sound(ish) mind, signed my rights away to being anything but a blurb in his life. Everything else, all the pictures and phone calls, the once a year visits, those are gifts. Yet I think about him every day, and I can't even fathom not thinking about him, or sending him love in my thoughts and prayers. Where do I really fit? Where is the niche in… [more]

For the last 3 weeks I have been going through a really ugly depression, sort of lost but in perfect awareness of who I am and where I was headed. I was so utterly lonely, that I couldn't utter the words to people around me that, "I was depressed". So my best friend of 15 years, Jenny, came to town to visit. She is one of the people I called upon post placement, who would answer at any time for me, when my whole world was falling apart. She described it best, that I knew what I was doing was for the best but I was torn. So lately, while writing about my adoption views and my experiences in general, I have been… [more]