Autumn Leaves

November 10th, 2013

I came to California from Illinois, thinking I don't know what I expected to be honest, but all I know is I spent the first three weeks in tears, crying my heart out  learning healthy boundaries for the first time in years. I chose to attend Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry(BSSM) in April of this year. In coming here, I realized how much I loved my family and no matter how betrayed I felt by specific people, that in order to move forward I had to heal and allow myself to grieve parts of my life I had long forgotten about. Coming here was no easy task. Part of the journey to get here I had to uncover some ugly truth, and deal with a past I would much rather forget… [more]

The Body Remembers

June 6th, 2013

It's an incredible thing, the way your body remembers things that you thought you had forgotten. You'll hear a lyric on the radio, and suddenly, you are transported to another time, a memory reflecting in the walls of your mind. Sometimes it's a smell, or a texture, occasionally, the memory can surprise you. Other times it can be more predictable, because it's a date, something you know is coming- a birthday, an anniversary. This year, my son turned ten. I expected his birthday to be hardest, and I prepped myself for the emotional onslaught that is usually attached with the day. However, the day came and went with little notice for me. I celebrated him in my own ways, as I always do, and I still felt that deep sense of… [more]

Honor

May 24th, 2013

heartIn May, there is often a lot of focus on the adoption community mainly due to Mother's Day, and of course, Birthmother's Day. Myself personally, I don't celebrate Birthmother's Day.  Mother's Day is just one of those really tough days for me as mother who has relinquished. Beyond that, I struggle with the very idea that once a year, we should pay tribute to the women who had mothering roles in our life. I don't like that there is this expectation, one that I admittedly have and do participate in to a degree, that we shower our mother's with extravagance, and devoted love, on just one day. We should be doing our best to honor our mother's throughout the year. Nothing fancy… [more]

Embrace The Grief

May 1st, 2013

Coping with Loss blog imageTen years ago, I was swollen, pregnant, and wondering when my son would make his way into the world. In May, I would go to the hospital at least half a dozen times thinking it was time, until it was really was time. I would spend three short days, three of the most vivid days to date, and three of the saddest days I have yet to survive. Here I am, ten years later, in the same city. You see, after the adoption, I tried to erase my past, the days before I had my son. I didn't want to deal with the idea that life existed before him, so I numbed myself, and I moved out of the… [more]

Sometimes …

April 4th, 2013

heartsSometimes I look at my life, and the choices within it and it takes me back. My journey with adoption as a birth-first mother has transformed my life so much. It has changed my ability to love. I say it but truly mean it that when I saw Phoenix for the first time, and his red hair stuck up in a million directions that my heart grew. It has changed my capacity to love people in terrible situations but also I think made me more opinionated about certain things. Like life, and choosing life. Knowing what he did for me by simply being a squirmy lovely newborn I grew miles from a self centered and delusional girl. I had to make a decision and… [more]

Secrets

March 10th, 2013

shhHer story became a secret, and secrets are always burdensome and translate into shame.  Even if we didn’t view it that way when we hid it, even if our motives were not initially shame based (though they often are) we will come to see it as something worthy of being hidden. Anything we attempt to escape will come to be seen as something worthy of escape. There was a time when I skirted the topic in conversation. Every time I had to twist or orchestrate an answer so as to steer away from what I was hiding, I felt uncomfortable and sad. I think some of us, instead of heeding that discomfort, just get used to it. And it spills over. We find that… [more]

The Things I Miss

February 22nd, 2013

snowWhen I woke up to the snow and ice, I woke with a smile. I dreamed of a friends little boy greeting me with such love and genuine joy that it lingers in my heart even now. I realized I miss a lot of things, some of them simple and selfish, some that are impossible-- I miss spring, flip flops and long hair. I miss waking up in my own apartment, living by my own rules. I miss my queen size mattress. I also miss feeling important to someone, wanted even.  I miss the small hand clasped in mine as we walk down to the library, now that my oldest son's hand is much bigger and he is much older. I miss reading "Guess… [more]

Holiday Memories

January 4th, 2013

christmas drumI had what some would perceive a very good end and start to my new year. On December 24th, 2012, the Adoptive parents and family came over to my house, and I saw Jimmy. Now if I haven't talked about Jimmy before that is because Jimmy is my son whom I named Phoenix. Tara and husband and kids enjoyed the time we had together. I had a nice clean house to call home to host in, handed out presents and spent time with a curious little four year old who holds my heart so delicately in his hands that he doesn't even know it's there. Jimmy and I played the piano together and he insisted that we sing Christmas carols together, namely only… [more]

Who Am I ?

February 5th, 2012

questionThe great question of identity and being a birth-first parent is one of the many combinations within and inherent to the human condition. I read a blog recently about a  how basically we think on our biological children and obsess almost, how they fill and captivate us and one day, for some, (not all) we wake up and the ache is a little less. This continues and you think, "Maybe I am ok?" There is a deep pain in birth-parents, and it is the loss of being a parent. Hold a baby and try not to cry. I dare you not to think about your child you placed. Last night, I cried for the first time in awhile over my baby. Funny how things work… [more]

Christmas Mourning

December 25th, 2011

christmasThere is an emptiness aching in my chest tonight, throbbing and sending echoes of pain through me. It is keeping me up, and I am somewhat at unrest. I was laying in bed thinking about my idea of a perfect day, a perfect gift. I was thinking about Phoenix. I want to read him a story, hug him, know the joy of his smile beaming back at me. I want nothing more then a moment in time to say hello on this sorrowful Christmas. I sometimes feel like my heart is missing, and it wanders away to darker places for me. Today is one of those. He is going to wake up and have a Christmas with his family, and I will be here, thinking… [more]