Not What It Should Be

July 6th, 2013
Categories: Closed Adoption

sorrowEarlier this year, my adoption closed. To say that I didn't see it coming would be a lie. I had dreams about it, and I could almost taste it months before it happened. I knew to a certain degree that I was helpless in stopping it, so when my husband without talking to me went to my son's parents and requested that they be more open with me, I knew it was the beginning of the end. He had no idea that he'd simply just sped up the ticking time bomb. I wasn't surprised when movement halted, and my son's parents refused any in person interaction, though they'd been saying it would happen for years. I wasn't surprised when they reneged on their… [more]

When Mother’s Day Just Isn’t.

May 8th, 2013

mother's dayMother's Day can be a lonely day for a mother who isn't a real part of her child's life, after adoption. It can be a cold reminder of what you don't have, as you see your friends on Facebook flash their picture, post their thanks and as families gather to celebrate the woman who helped make them who they are. It can make you feel, as a birthmother, entirely invisible. I remember sitting in church on Mother's Day, and coaxing myself not to cry as they handed out roses to all the Mother's. I didn't get one. The year before, with my swollen belly, and ankles, a confused 12 year old had handed me one. The next? No one even glanced at… [more]

Fall 2011: Growing Up and Away

October 18th, 2011

heart treeWhen you place a child, it changes you forever. I am reminded of the saying "having a baby changes everything". And boy, do they mean everything. As I look introspectively in this season, watching tree's leaves fall, the colors change I realize I have changed, and even better, I am changing. I used to have unhealthy relationships, and breaking away from them is very difficult, but in the end, I am better off. I have learned several things because of adoption: 1.Choose your partner with the same sincerity and desire (the best for you) as you chose for your birth son or daughter. You are worth it. Do you know how brave you are, (and trust me I am saying this as much… [more]

How ‘Open’ is Open Adoption

August 24th, 2011

My boysWhen you think of the term 'open' you think of the ability to freely go in and out...like a restaurant displaying their sign 'open'. They don't attach any stipulations to that term such as you can only come in on my good days or you can only eat what I place in front of you...that wouldn't appear to be the 'open' we are all accustomed to. So when you say 'open adoption' does it mean that as a birth mother you can walk in and out of the life of the adoptive parents freely? OR does it mean that the adoptive parents can walk in and out of yours just the same? There seems to be no true definition across the board… [more]

What’s The Point of Closed Records Anyway?

April 30th, 2008
Categories: Closed Adoption

Stories like this one are why many different states are struggling to open records for adoptees. Turns out that an adoptee was jailed for three years for stalking and harassing his birth mother because she didn't want to reunite. I'm sure that those opposed to opening records have cited or will use this case as their prime example to keep those records sealed forever. But they're missing the point. This mentally disturbed individual convinced the court system to open his records because of a health issue. He lied his way through the process and got what he desired. And so, what's the point of a closed records system, really? Those who want the information can and will get it in some way or another. If you are… [more]

What Choice?

April 28th, 2008
Categories: Closed Adoption

It's never a good sign when you're frustrated with the general public on a Monday morning before the clock reads eight o'clock. Is this a sign of the week to come? All the same, I was reading a very, very happy reunion story out of Texas. I mean, everything just seemed to work together for good in this piece. It's a case of married birth parents, an adoptee who could also double as a secret spy and an eventual happy reunion. I was going to give my thoughts on some of that until I read the comments. Now, to understand my misgivings, you need to read this particular quote from the story. Remember that this adoption took place 45 years ago, deep in the throes of… [more]

Wrong Reasons

February 4th, 2008

I recently came across a blog that hit on the "wrong reasons" to adopt a child. It got me pondering about the many "wrong reasons" for various things in the birth parent realm of action. I don't see comprehensive lists like those anywhere, so let's consider. What are the wrong reasons to place your child? What are some wrong reasons for actions within an open adoption relationship? And what are some wrong reasons for actions when you consider search and reunion? First and foremost, you should never relinquish your child just because someone in your family thinks or says that you should. Many of my birth mother sisters from the closed era were forced to do so by their own families. That's not the way it needs to… [more]

Discussing a Closed Adoption With Your Parented Children

September 25th, 2007
Categories: Closed Adoption

A recent post on the forums and numerous incoming ideas lead me to this topic: how are mothers and fathers enduring closed adoptions supposed to talk to their children about their placed child, the reasons surrounding the adoption and the possibility of reunion? My usual advice of telling your kids on the day that they're born and making it part of your normal family life doesn't quite apply for mothers and fathers who were warned to keep their secret. What can you do once the years have passed? What is an appropriate age? Are there right (or wrong!) words? On the forums, birth parents chimed in with their own stories and the stories of others. Many waited to discuss this topic with their… [more]

Talking About Closed Adoption

September 17th, 2007
Categories: Closed Adoption

While I've been mentioning some things about closed adoption in various posts, it hasn't been my main focus. In fact, it never was my main focus. Having a co-blogger like Jan to cover that topic, since it was her reality, left me with the ability to talk about it as it pertained to me or as it was covered in other areas. Without her presence, I've been noticing the lack of balance. Though no purposeful or vengeful in any way, it's still a lack of balance! Last week I started taking the steps to right it. While I am not a mother from the closed adoption era and can thus never fully understand those issues and emotions, I've seen the need to continue to talk… [more]

Closed Adoptions and Marriage

July 25th, 2007
Categories: Relationships

Silent In keeping with my normal goal of presenting many sides of the birth parent experience, I also interviewed a mother who placed during the closed adoption era. While her experience may differ from some present day birth mothers, there are still mothers who live the closed adoption experience either by choice or by the closing of adoption's doors by the adoptive family. Suz, who placed her daughter in 1986, has many great pieces of advice to share with us regarding the topic. I asked Suz the same questions as I had asked others even though situations were different. I knew her daughter and her daughter's family were not invited to the wedding but that didn't mean that she didn't take time and effort to acknowledge… [more]