It makes me cringe. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And then I actually start giggling. When adoptive parents refer to their child's birth mother as "our birth mother," I just can't get past the usual impossibility of it. Take our situation as an example.

D is four years older than me. J is some years older than that; we usually refer to him as old as an inside joke. I'm pretty sure, understanding biology, that it would have been impossible for me to give birth to either J or D and subsequently sign over my parental... more

When I first came to write for AdoptionBlogs, I stated my preference in referring to myself as a first mother. I also stated that I do respond to birth mother and use both terms with some frequency in my writing. I haven't revisited the topic since that time. However, after some recent hubbub on the internet and in the blogosphere, I'm wondering if it isn't time to revisit it in a different manner.

I stated my personal preference.... more

For birth mothers in open adoptions with contact, the issue of what to call that "lady" that you see sometimes is problematic. Some adoptive parents are comfortable with calling her "your other mother." I doubt that their numbers are significant, but I really do not know for certain.

I imagine that the terms, "first mother," or "birth mother" are probably the most commonly used terms. "Natural mother" is definitely not commonly used these days.

Some adoptive parents tell their children that she is the "tummy mommy." I am not really sure... more

Some women who have relinquished babies to adoption, might say that you should never use the term, "birthmother." However, that is a whole other discussion. In this post, I am referring to using the term "birthmother" inappropriately before a woman has placed a child for adoption, or in some cases, even given birth yet.

Until a man is convicted of a felony, he is not a felon. Likewise, until a new mother signs on the dotted line relinquishing all rights to her baby or child, she is never a "birthmother." Before anyone asks, no, I... more

There are many ways that you can handle stupid remarks. One of the best ways is to laugh them off when possible. Challenge them when the mood strikes you, ignore them or do whatever you need to do to let them not bother you too much.

These remarks fall into many categories. They may be insensitive, rude, thoughtless or just plain stupid. Another possibility is that you are asking a question that is none of your business.

Adoptive Moms

1) Which ones are yours? (To an adoptive mom with biological and adopted children.)... more

I cannot guarantee that every birth/first mom will love these all, but, I feel confident that most will appreciate most of these comments.

1) I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been for you. (Saying that you understand is not entirely true, unless you are a birth mother yourself, you cannot know. It is insulting to infer that you do know.)

2) I am so happy for you that you finally are reunited with your child. (This is a simple statement that says what needs to be said, and reaches no conclusions without knowing... more

Here is Part 1.

Second, it is good for children to believe that maybe their birth parents might be proud of them. It might indicates that their birth parents love and care about them. Few birth parents do not love their children, even those unable to parent due to neglect or abuse. Love and the ability to parent are two distinct and separate issues. I know, you might believe if their parents loved them enough that they would be good parents. Sadly,... more

Although I have heard discussions about the economic and social differences often distinguishing birth and adoptive families, I just heard a new adoptionese term. Apparently, some refer to adoptees adopted into families wealthier than their birth families as being "upgraded."

I can't say I really care for the term. It sounds somewhat crass in a way to me. When talking about reunion expectations, some people caution adoptees that the birth families they search for may not be as well off as their adoptive families. Sometimes extreme differences in... more

Many states in the US have what are called Safe Haven laws where a Mother can take a child to a hospital, fire house or police station within a certain amount of time after delivery and face no charges of abandonment. These laws are widely controversial for many reasons. But I'm not here to talk about the US state of Safe Haven law. Instead, we're going to look at a recent, similar happening in Italy, how they feel about birth parents, and what their laws say about the matter.

Here's... more

Many natural parents see "positive adoption language" as terminology which glosses over painful facts they face as they go into the indefinite post-adoption period of their lives. They feel PAL has become a way to present adoption in the friendliest light possible, in order to obtain even more infants for adoption; ie, a marketing tool.

Wikipedia on Adoption Language

The quote above pretty much sums up my thoughts on PAL. I understand that it is probably not a terribly popular view in certain circles.

Dr.... more