Sometimes it seems as though in adoption, that we bicker over whose pain is worse. Actually, it is not solely in adoption that we do this. We compare all kinds of different pain, usually involving loss. However, it seems to me that in adoption circles we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to sort out whose suffers the most. People often seem highly offended when they believe that anyone would dare to suggest that the loss of a child to adoption is as important as other types of loss. Compare the loss of a child to adoption... more

What does a tragedy like the massacre at Virginia Tech have to do with adoption? Alot. Several of the core issues that many of the families of those who perished must now deal with are very familiar to adoption triad members.

Family members must grieve their losses and go through all the usual steps of the process. Sadness and anger will envelop many of the families for some time. The experience for those who were there on campus, but survived, will haunt them forever. Life will seem unbearable for some for a time, and they will wonder if they... more

A new birth mother posted on the forums just yesterday, asking for information on what to do now that she is home from the hospital. Her question echoed of my own thoughts three and a half years ago.

any tips on how to keep happy during this time? everything is going ok right now but i know that in a little bit it's all going to hit me and i just want to be ready to deal w/ it when it does. thanks.

The new mother has... more

Yesterday, when I was taking a walk into town, I glanced at a newpaper on a sidewalk stand. One of the feature articles on the front page caught my eye. The headline read, "After 50 years, father grieves." Eldon Bowman, the grieving father in this story, had a son dissappear one day while he was out with the father and other siblings hiking. There was no resolution for this father - his son has never been found. I wonder if over the years Mr. Bowman has been told to forget and get on with his... more

Although I have blogged about this subject before, it is an important enough subject to revisit. Plus, I recently found this essay on paragraphein's blog on the subject of grieving. It is entitled A Way To Honor Life.

Despite what many birth/first mothers expect, or are told, grieving the loss of a child to adoption is not a one-time event. However, a mourning period of some length is generally necessary. Sometimes immediately... more

In part 1, I wrote about how even after so much time has past, I still am sometimes derailed by the fact of my son's adoption. Since by nature I am one who cherishes life and enjoys a sunny disposition, it is startling to me when these dark moments appear. "A lover's quarrel with the world" fits for my temporary times when darkness shatters my calm and love affair with the world.

What happened the other night, right before bedtime to push my sad button and disturb my ability to fall asleep? I read about a young woman's surrender process... more

"And were an epitah to be my story I'd have a short one ready for my own. I would have written of me on my stone; I had a lover's quarrel with the world."

Robert Frost

Unlike the other birth moms who blog on this site, I am an oldtimer. My son's adoption happened over 37 years ago. And yet, I am not "over it." At times, I think that I am fine - healed and loving life. I have struggled and worked hard to be where I am right now.

Mostly, I am in a good place and have accepted that... more

I harbored a lot of anger towards Munchkin's firstfather, L, for a very long time. I didn't understand how he could leave us high and dry and force me to make the hardest decision of my life while completely alone. Thankfully, therapy helped me work through some of those issues.

At that point, I was able to step back from my grief, guilt and sorrow and take a look at his own. He's not a man of visible emotions. I've known that for the almost ten years we have known each other. He is outwardly strong and powerful. He is intelligent... more

Have you ever read something that physically pained you? No, I'm not talking about a graphic description of an episiotomy. I mean something that caused such an emotional reaction within your being that you physically felt pain. Your stomach turned or you felt as if your chest was imploding causing your breathing to become labored? Welcome to my life, five minutes ago.

I was reading an Opinion article on Yahoo! News. Granted, it's opinion. I shouldn't let that bother me, right? I'm a strong, independent woman with thoughts and feelings... more