A new birth mother posted a question on the forums. Her question hit home with me and, I venture to guess, with many other mothers who have been through the relinquishment process.

When do you start feeling anything again after placing your child for adoption? It's been three months since he was born and I haven't felt anything since the day after I came home...

That numb feeling this particular birth mother is talking about isn't an isolated... more

It's National Dance Recital two-week-span or something. The big dance school in our area had their recital two weekends ago. I heard about it over and over from friends of ours whose daughters were going to be twirling in tutus across a local stage. Fellow bloggers have written their own stories. Friends of ours from various locales have been blogging about their daughters' recitals.

And I've just been sitting here. Sad.

You don't expect it. You... more

I recently talked about how birth parent grief is not all that scary. Tears are normal. Sadness is to be expected and should be respected. In fact the "stages" of grief include room for a wide range of normal. (I say "stages" because I don't believe we go through one step, complete it and follow in form and function to the next.) Briefly, the stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You can see how even anger is therefore well within the realm... more

Many different groups of people fear birth parent grief for many reasons. The old adage goes that people fear what they don't know. So, I thought I'd shed a little light on why birth parent grief isn't meant to be scary to adoptive parents, adoptees or the general public.

The truth remains that birth parents have parted with a huge piece of themselves. Even the most independent woman will tell you that having a child changes a woman's view of herself. Placing that child is akin to letting go of a piece of yourself.

For just a brief second, put on... more

Grief isn't the easiest thing to process. It doesn't always follow, in order (or sometimes at all), the set "rules." It's as if the grief doesn't realize there is a path to follow! While I've found that each birth parent processes their grief differently and at a different pace, I've found one similarity through generations of varying grief.

Verbalizing that grief is a key component to moving through the process.

In various forms throughout the generations, birth parents have been verbalizing their grief... more

In recent discussion and blog commenting with others, some questions have come up about the way that society in general and, sadly, some adoptive parents treat birth parents with direct regard to their grief and loss. Having lived through my own pain while others have been living through their own as well, I have learned one thing: pain is not quantitative.

The pain of one group in the triad is not greater than another group's pain. In fact, just because another group also experiences pain does not mean that someone else's pain is... more

No one denies that grief exists in adoption. All sides of the triad have struggles with their own grief, so how does it play into a birth parent's experience. What causes the grief? What happens when that grief is ignored? How do you deal with it?

First and foremost, understanding that the losses in adoption must be grieved is important. The article hits on that idea right off the bat:

Every loss in adoption must be... more

Sometimes it seems as though in adoption, that we bicker over whose pain is worse. Actually, it is not solely in adoption that we do this. We compare all kinds of different pain, usually involving loss. However, it seems to me that in adoption circles we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to sort out whose suffers the most. People often seem highly offended when they believe that anyone would dare to suggest that the loss of a child to adoption is as important as other types of loss. Compare the loss of a child to adoption... more

What does a tragedy like the massacre at Virginia Tech have to do with adoption? Alot. Several of the core issues that many of the families of those who perished must now deal with are very familiar to adoption triad members.

Family members must grieve their losses and go through all the usual steps of the process. Sadness and anger will envelop many of the families for some time. The experience for those who were there on campus, but survived, will haunt them forever. Life will seem unbearable for some for a time, and they will wonder if they... more

A new birth mother posted on the forums just yesterday, asking for information on what to do now that she is home from the hospital. Her question echoed of my own thoughts three and a half years ago.

any tips on how to keep happy during this time? everything is going ok right now but i know that in a little bit it's all going to hit me and i just want to be ready to deal w/ it when it does. thanks.

The new mother has... more