When birth mothers in closed adoptions have other children, as grateful as they are to become parenting mothers, there may be painful reminders of the child that they relinquished. Many birth moms are hyper vigilant with subsequent children due to irrational fears that another child might be taken away.

It never dawned on me at the time since I blocked out adoption thoughts, but when my second son was born I rarely let him out of my sight when he was a baby. In fact, one friend joked that I rarely could be seen not holding or carrying him. Maybe that is normal,... more

Part 1 is here. If you have told anyone about your child, you may discuss your child with them at times. Chances are likely that you will not be encouraged to speak of your child too much. Instead, you will be told to move on and not think about your child.

Many birth mothers from closed adoptions, of course, tell no one and carry the burden of their "secret." Living in fear of being found out keeps you vigilant constantly and afraid to relax and let your guard... more

Recently I realized that as a birth mom in a closed adoption, I have not written much about what closed adoptions are like for birth/first moms. I write about life as a mother in reunion; it is a very different experience. Although I make references to not being in favor of closed adoptions, I have not discussed specifically how it feels. So, here goes - a series on moms in closed adoptions.

Are there any birth mom bloggers who are in closed adoptions that have not had reunions? Certainly there must be, but I have not found any yet. Not too many birth moms... more

Honestly, if I were intending to write about the benefits of closed adoptions only for birth/first parents, this would be a woefully short post. In fact, I will be upfront and say that I abhor the notion of closed adoptions. I lived with a closed adoption for 32 years. There was no benefit to me, and a great deal of unnecessary heartache.

The majority of the birth/first moms that I know feel the same way. I never hide the fact that nearly all the birth moms that I know are reunited or in open adoptions. There is not much of an opportunity to speak... more

Part 1 is here. Instead of encouraging young women to take responsibility for their actions and parent their children, young women were sent away in secrecy.

The plan was for them to wait out their time, then give birth, often alone in a distant city. After the birth, they were sent home and told to keep quiet so that no one would ever know. Your reputation would be intact, and you would still be considered a “good girl”. Nothing was mentioned about how you might feel... more

If you happened to become pregnant before you were married during the 50's, 60's or 70's, there was sure one way to redeem yourself. That way was to relinquish your baby to adoption. Here is part of what you might have had to deal with:

1. Being ostracized from your family, church and community; 2. Worrying that if by some near miracle you found a way to keep your child, it would be called cruel names; 3. Unable to find housing as unwed mothers were social pariahs; 4. Being dismissed from a school or job when you began to “show”; 5. Unable to find employment... more

Part 1 is here. Some birth mothers may believe that a closed adoption will allow them to move on with their lives better. In order to do that though, does that require trying to pretend that their child does not exist? Been there, done that - it is not healthy and does not usually work. It might also work too well. Some women who disconnect totally are unable to reconnect later when their children want a reunion. Talk to an adoptee who has been rejected by their birth mother... more

Next, he goes on to advise her not to tell anyone (other than her parents.) As he continues for another few paragraph or so, the rest of his advice seemed pretty reasonable. I actually approved of most of it.

I googled Dr. Shedd and found that he died in 2004. Apparently, he was a much beloved and well-respected man. He sounded like a very decent and wise man. Since he is no longer around to defend himself, I feel a bit awkward discussing his response. I hope it is clear that I am not personally attacking him. His book was written in 1968, a year... more

Maja, my first mom blogging partner, recently wrote about how to choose between open and closed adoption. She made a valid point by saying that she believes we must make the decision based on not what is best for the expectant mother, but what is best for the child.

So often in adoption, we try to separate the two – what is best for the child, and what is best for the mother. In reality, I believe that more often than not, we need to consider the mother and child together, as one entity. I do not believe that their interests are at odds with each other as we sometimes... more

In the days of closed adoptions, I believe that the "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" was a fairly accurate way to describe the public attitudes surrounding adoption. Pregnant women surrendered their children not to an adoptive family generally, but to an agency. In many cases, a mother might not know even where their child might be sent to live. Their child could be living with a family right down the street or half the way across the country. In some cases children were even sent to distant countries.

One of the few comments I recall from my one visit to... more