Stories like this one are why many different states are struggling to open records for adoptees. Turns out that an adoptee was jailed for three years for stalking and harassing his birth mother because she didn't want to reunite. I'm sure that those opposed to opening records have cited or will use this case as their prime example to keep those records sealed forever.

But they're missing the point.

This mentally disturbed individual... more

It's never a good sign when you're frustrated with the general public on a Monday morning before the clock reads eight o'clock. Is this a sign of the week to come? All the same, I was reading a very, very happy reunion story out of Texas. I mean, everything just seemed to work together for good in this piece. It's a case of married birth parents, an adoptee who could also double as a secret spy and an eventual happy reunion. I was going to give my thoughts... more

I recently came across a blog that hit on the "wrong reasons" to adopt a child. It got me pondering about the many "wrong reasons" for various things in the birth parent realm of action. I don't see comprehensive lists like those anywhere, so let's consider.

What are the wrong reasons to place your child? What are some wrong reasons for actions within an open adoption relationship? And what are some wrong reasons for actions when you consider search and reunion?

First and foremost, you should never relinquish your child just because someone in your... more

A recent post on the forums and numerous incoming ideas lead me to this topic: how are mothers and fathers enduring closed adoptions supposed to talk to their children about their placed child, the reasons surrounding the adoption and the possibility of reunion? My usual advice of telling your kids on the day that they're born and making it part of your normal family... more

While I've been mentioning some things about closed adoption in various posts, it hasn't been my main focus. In fact, it never was my main focus. Having a co-blogger like Jan to cover that topic, since it was her reality, left me with the ability to talk about it as it pertained to me or as it was covered in other areas. Without her presence, I've been noticing the lack of balance. Though no purposeful or vengeful in any way, it's still a lack of balance! Last week I started taking the steps to right it.

While I am not a mother from the closed adoption... more

In keeping with my normal goal of presenting many sides of the birth parent experience, I also interviewed a mother who placed during the closed adoption era. While her experience may differ from some present day birth mothers, there are still mothers who live the closed adoption experience either by choice or by the closing of adoption's doors by the adoptive family. Suz, who placed her daughter in 1986, has many great pieces of advice to share with us regarding the topic.

I asked Suz the same questions as I had asked others even though situations... more

By being a good birth mother, I am not referring to that stereotypical birth mother of yesteryear who handed over her child and walked off into the sunset never to be heard from again. Asking that from a mother is a far greater punishment than the “crime” of an unplanned pregnancy deserves. (And no, I do not really believe that an unplanned pregnancy is a crime!)

Neither do I believe that it is being a good birth mother to a child if one seemingly disappears off the face of the earth never to be seen or heard from again. Although mothers of... more

Honestly, I did a lousy job of dealing with the fact of my son’s closed adoption. Instead of dealing with the pain, I blocked it out and saved it up. At reunion, it was like a volcano erupted (I was the volcano). All those buried emotions came to the surface with a vengeance and brought me to my knees. There are better ways to deal with a closed adoption. Ignoring it all allows you to survive, but there is a price to not attending to dealing with your loss. In retrospect, I would have handled a lot differently. Here are better ways to deal... more

Many discussions have ensued lately about whether open or closed adoptions are the easiest for birth and adoptive parents. It strikes me how comparing them is difficult because the two experiences are so dissimilar in a variety of ways. Although the loss is as real for birth parents in either type of adoptions, other features are quite different.

Attaching the label "easy" to adoption seems no more reasonable than attaching "happy" to a birth mother. Adoption is not easy for most people, nor is parenting. Trying to figure out which type of adoption... more

If visits are too harmful for a child, perhaps telephone calls can occur, or letters and photos. My point is that whatever is appropriate and beneficial to a child is what needs to happen. Not what is best for the birth parents or the adoptive parents, not what is easiest, but what is best for the child.

From my limited view of open adoptions, it appears that often there are two main choices - contact or no contact. However, if a child has a bond with their birth family, any kind of a bond, to make it an all or nothing situation makes no sense... more