It comes in spurts. What does? Everything. As a birth parent, I've learned that all of my emotions come in spurts. From anger to happiness to sadness to growth, each group of things seems to come together in little groups. I've seen other birth parents say similar things so I'm thinking it may not be a singular reaction. But, for the purposes of this blog, I'll speak singularly about my experience.

When I look at the calendar year, I can pretty much predict how I will be feeling about the adoption and our relationships at any given time. Her birthday, as... more

I love the act of giving. I like the hunt for the perfect present, keeping the intended receiver's personality, likes and dislikes in mind as I scour the internet or a store. I am not really good at wrapping said gifts but I love watching the eyes of the receiver as it is removed from whatever packaging. The look of joy or elation or sentiment in their eyes is the only thank you I require. However, when it comes to purchasing gifts for my daughter, it's often fraught with worry and anxiety.

Will she liked what I've... more

While your child's birthday is hard enough in its own way, others' birthdays, anniversaries, wedding or other celebratory moments might be uniquely difficult as well. Close friends and family members who were involved in the adoption process, whether in a positive or negative fashion, may provide you with strange emotions on their most celebratory day. Why? And what can you do about it? And do I have an example? Of course.

My brother's birthday is my own particularly hard for me. Frankly, it has almost nothing to do with my brother other than he happened to be born in the month of April. I was living away from home during his birthday that year and was trying, in vain, to reach him... more

For birth parents in open adoption, birthday parties may be part of your yearly visit schedule. However, just because it's part of your normal schedule doesn't mean that it will feel the same as every other visit. Likewise, for birth parents who have entered reunion, Birthdays are often emotionally charged days for birth parents of all types. So, how can you make it through such a day while simultaneously making small talk with your placed child's extended family and trying to create lasting memories?

Very carefully. Even more than being a host of a child's birthday party, it is important to remember certain things. Some are important to remember for your benefit and some are important... more

For birth parents in closed adoption, birthdays are not spent with their child as he grows over the years. In reunion, the adult adoptee has the sole right of deciding how to spend his day. Even birth parents in fully open adoptions complete with visits may experience years in which attending a birthday party is not an option. With all of the emotional ties to the day added to the sorrow of being separated, is there any way to "celebrate" such an occasion? Can we do more than just "survive?"

In my experience, yes and no. While we have a fully open adoption with visits, I have missed one birthday party and will be missing another this year. While some would say that I have more to celebrate... more

Part one. For some birth mothers, it helps to spend the day with a close friend who understands and can provide some comfort on that day. Give each other manicures and pedicures, or try a spa or nail salon and pamper yourself. Spend some quiet time wandering around a museum, library or local public gardens. Try to figure out what will comfort you. It food works, hit the local chocolate store and treat yourself. Chocolate always works wonders for me.

If you need tears... more

Many birth parents say that their children's birthdays are extremely painful for them. The challenge is to figure out how to not gloss over the pain, yet to survive the day as well as you possibly can. I cannot say that I dealt with this issue prior to reunion myself.

Actually, that is not true. In my own way, I did deal with my son's birthday by blocking out the date. Subconsciously, I figured out early on that if I remembered the date, it would be excruciating on his birthday every year for the rest of my live. (I did not anticipate... more

Continued from Part One.

I had no one to discuss my strange emotions with at that time. Some things I felt were completely new to me. Watching everyone celebrate when I felt as though someone had ripped a hole in my heart only added salt to the wounds. I didn't want to burden J or D on a day that was so important in their life and the Munchkin's life, so I suffered in silence.

Throughout the party, I kept thinking that someone would realize how important... more

The Munchkin's first birthday was an emotional roller coaster that I was in no way prepared for on any emotional level. It was understood early in the first year that the Munchkin would have a first birthday party and that I was to be invited. I looked forward to the event with excitement. I thought it would be like any other first birthday party. I was emotionally blind to the effect that such an event would have on me, the Munchkin's birth mother.

Unfortunately, my Husband (then fiance) was unable to make the trip with me, leaving me to flub my way... more

To lighten things a little after my heavy post, I'll talk about an experience I had this past weekend. Nicholas was invited to his little library girlfriend's first birthday party. She attended his in November and returned the invitation. We bought her some books, dressed him in his "I'd Rather Be Getting a Tattoo" onesie and headed to the pink and purpose soiree.

Oh, yes, pink and purple. Out the wazoo! It was decorated as perfectly as you would imagine a princess themed first birthday party. Nick's little... more