Being Me

January 4th, 2014
Categories: Uncategorized

Being yourself is powerful, but when you don't have a solid fix on who you are its nearly impossible to do anything but live in the same cycle. The year of 2013 took me from highs I had never experienced before, to lows I was sure I wasn't going to come out of alive. In all areas of my life I have been stretched like never before out here in California. I have learned that its absolutely necessary to have ridiculous faith levels  if you want to achieve greatness with God, and in life. It hasn't been easy. Every paradigm of my identity I have ever thought was me was cleaned up or thrown away. One of the things I identified with a lot was shame. I didn't feel worthy of love or… [more]

5 years later

December 30th, 2013
Categories: Uncategorized

I am convinced that I should write a book. Do something amazing. Oh wait, I did.

2008

December 30th, 2008

Five years ago, on a cold and snowy evening I gave birth to a son. I called him Phoenix (AP named him Jimmy). When I held him in my arms for the first time, I didn't let go. In five days of me being in the hospital, I held him almost the entire time. I cried until my eyes were swollen shut and I could hardly speak. I was incoherent at best and at worst, not even aware of anything going on around me. I was oblivious to the nurses, to the medication being administered, or the prying questions or… [more]

Change

November 16th, 2013
Categories: Uncategorized

As I walked today I remembered some of the seasons of my life. I tend to introspect and let it go, but it was more of a controlled flow. In sharing my testimony today with a friend, I skimmed over one of the most life changing events in my life. Choosing life. More than choosing to live over choosing suicide, I chose to give life to not one but two boys. Life on this side of the tracks-Less guilt, and shame, and an internal strength that cannot be shaken tell me many things about who I am. I am strong and powerful, and I am free to choose. It also tells me how much I have changed. I remember being 26 and living in grief. It wasn't an easy time for me or my… [more]

Autumn Leaves

November 10th, 2013

I came to California from Illinois, thinking I don't know what I expected to be honest, but all I know is I spent the first three weeks in tears, crying my heart out  learning healthy boundaries for the first time in years. I chose to attend Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry(BSSM) in April of this year. In coming here, I realized how much I loved my family and no matter how betrayed I felt by specific people, that in order to move forward I had to heal and allow myself to grieve parts of my life I had long forgotten about. Coming here was no easy task. Part of the journey to get here I had to uncover some ugly truth, and deal with a past I would much rather forget… [more]

Re-Focus

August 13th, 2013

Girl in the MirrorIt wasn't until I began working on my memoir that I realized that I had completely disassociated from myself as a person when it came to the adoption I went through when I was 18. That girl, and myself, while our stories are very much intertwined, we are two incredibly different people. It's as if she went into hiding for self-preservation, and I created this new version of myself in order to handle and cope with the grief associated with the adoption. I've been doing my best to get back to her, and to understand her more. Perhaps I know that I am frustrated with some of the decisions she made, and the fact that she didn't speak up… [more]

Open is Now Closed

July 17th, 2013

doorIt's been just over six months now since the doors on my so-called open adoption closed. Six months where I have gone through a plethora of emotions ranging from anger to sadness and even to peace. Six months where I wonder if I would be told if my son ever got sick, or if something terrible happened. I know that they don't wish to share his life with me when it's good; why would I be subjected to knowing when it's bad? I never expected this to be the way my adoption story turned out. I mean, I didn't really know what to expect, but this wasn't at the top of the list when I signed the relinquishment papers. I felt strongly that… [more]

Perspective And Truths

July 10th, 2013

heartPerspective is everything. Earlier this week, I received a comment that insinuating that I was playing a victim when I wasn't really one. The truth is, I don't often hear much in terms of criticism when it comes to sharing my adoption story. I assume that is because I've always been so open, honest and raw about my feelings, my experiences, and what I generally believe now. I'm also okay with someone disagreeing with my point of view; the adoption dynamic is so diverse, and really evolves quickly. Hearing other points of view helps me to reexamine my own feelings and thoughts regarding adoption in both a personal and non-person manner. What I don't like is when someone criticizes my experience. Unfortunately, I was… [more]

Not What It Should Be

July 6th, 2013
Categories: Closed Adoption

sorrowEarlier this year, my adoption closed. To say that I didn't see it coming would be a lie. I had dreams about it, and I could almost taste it months before it happened. I knew to a certain degree that I was helpless in stopping it, so when my husband without talking to me went to my son's parents and requested that they be more open with me, I knew it was the beginning of the end. He had no idea that he'd simply just sped up the ticking time bomb. I wasn't surprised when movement halted, and my son's parents refused any in person interaction, though they'd been saying it would happen for years. I wasn't surprised when they reneged on their… [more]

The Body Remembers

June 6th, 2013

It's an incredible thing, the way your body remembers things that you thought you had forgotten. You'll hear a lyric on the radio, and suddenly, you are transported to another time, a memory reflecting in the walls of your mind. Sometimes it's a smell, or a texture, occasionally, the memory can surprise you. Other times it can be more predictable, because it's a date, something you know is coming- a birthday, an anniversary. This year, my son turned ten. I expected his birthday to be hardest, and I prepped myself for the emotional onslaught that is usually attached with the day. However, the day came and went with little notice for me. I celebrated him in my own ways, as I always do, and I still felt that deep sense of… [more]

Ten Years In Adoption

May 30th, 2013

10Today, my son is ten. In fact, on this evening, ten years ago, I was sitting in a hospital room, with a good friend, eating dinner, while he convinced me that I should name my son after him. After all, he had been there when I found out I was pregnant, and had been ready to tell everyone he was the father, too. He wasn't, but his devotion to me, and to my son was sweet. He just wanted to make me smile; and I did, for the most part when he was around. The rest of out my hours were spent crying. Those hours turned into night, and into day, and then night again, and suddenly, it was time for me to… [more]