Birth-First Parent

A birth mother in an open adoption wrote a letter to Dear Abby with a question (the third letter on this page) a lot of us have had at one point or another in our adoption journeys. Nine years after the birth and placement of her child, now in her 20's, she was wondering how to address adoption and her role when discussing the topic with others. Her question was specific as to what her answer should be when she is asked if she has children. Abby's answer missed the mark. DEAR BIRTH MOTHER: You are under no obligation to give chapter and verse about your personal history to anyone who is only an acquaintance. If you are asked if you have children, just say no because you are not raising… [more]

I was sitting in my living room, minding my own business when a promo came on the television for a new show. Maybe you've heard of it? Find My Family is a show set to debut on ABC, a channel I rarely watch, on November 23rd. The premise of the show is to reunite family members who have, in the words of the press release, "lost touch." Included in that are, of course, birth parents and the children they relinquished for adoption. The press release can be read here. A unique spin on this particular spinoff of the idea we've seen presented on television over the past few years is that the two searchers on the show are both adoptees. This could be good… [more]

In magazines, self help books and blogs on various topics, you might have run across the advice to do your best to live "an authentic life." What is an authentic life? More over, what is a non-authentic or fake life? While I'm not a professional on the matter with a degree in psychology or self-help-stuff, I do know that I try to live my life as authentically as possible. I try to present myself to those I run across in the most real, legitimate way possible. This can be troubling for birth parents. It was once troubling for me as well. Before I found enough inner peace to allow me the ability to discuss adoption with anyone who crossed my path, I couldn't live my own form of authenticity. While I will… [more]

As we continue through our life journeys, we meet new people. Unless we're hermits, we're going to continue meeting new people. It's just a fact of life. Some people don't matter much in the grand scheme of things. Others do. Most people fall somewhere in between. As we get to know new people, questions about our lives come up. While sometimes we're given the chance to get to know people very well first, sometimes we're forced to talk about our connection to adoption before we're really ready. How do you deal with that conversation? In fact, even with people that you've gotten to know very well but have chosen not to discuss adoption with them until a certain point, how do you… [more]

A question was posed by an adoptive mom on the Birth Parents in Open Adoption forum just the other day. New to the process of open adoption, she was asking what we (as birth parents) liked to do on our visits. She wanted to know what we (as birth parents) liked to do with our placed children. Anything! Everything! And nothing! All at once. The scope of our visits with my daughter's family has changed over the years. At first, it was about me spending time with her. Now it's more about her spending time with my parented sons, her brothers. The point in sharing that is this: what is fun and what is important during a visit will change… [more]

As I posted yesterday, we're giving away a copy of The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. We're hoping that others in the triad will join in the book tour scheduled for next month. While some argue that the book is for adoptees, as they're the ones who have been affected the most by the adoption, still others argue that the book is for adoptive parents who are raising the child. I'm here to argue that while those other points are true, the book is also important for birth parents. Why? Birth parents aren't involved in the day-to-day raising of the child. Even birth parents who are fortunate enough to be involved in fully open adoption relationships complete with… [more]

In honor of National Adoption Month, which hits us in less than a week, we're going to be participating in the unique "experiment" going on regarding a book, the triad as a whole and what we hope sums up to be a learning experience for the lot of us. Plus, as an added bonus, we're having a little giveaway here on AdoptionBlogs.com. What's all the hoopla about? A book tour will be taking place of the oft-debated, highly controversial book, The Primal Would by Nancy Verrier. You're not familiar with the book? The full title actually reads, "The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child." In case you think that this book will be an easy read, here's… [more]

As we begin the slippery slope toward winter and the holidays, I'm having memories of my pregnancy and my daughter's birth flash before my eyes. It always happens around this time of year, when the leaves are falling and the air is chilled. I was always heavy with child during the fall and first snow. It's just how it happened for me. The truth is that our memories are tied to so many things. Sights, sounds, smells and tastes can all be part of one singular memory. I know this to be true for me: have you ever noticed the unique smell of fall or very early winter, right before that first snow? Reading some articles on how memories are

Stress free birthparenting? Is there such a thing? I don't quite know. In fact, I don't really think so. Catchy title though, right? Seriously, there are some tricks of the trade, whether you're in an open adoption with your child and his/her adoptive parents or in reunion with your adult adoptee that can lead to a reduced level of stress. Let's be honest: relationships that matter are rarely stress free. 1. Always use open, honest communication. Even when topics are hard, you need to communicate what you are thinking, feeling and considering. 2. Practice good listening skills! While it's important to be honest about your emotions, it's just as important to listen to the other party. If you don't understand what's being said or explained… [more]

I was recently asked the following on a previous post about searching for a therapist. "Have you found many though with birth mother experience? By my searching I’d guess there are about 5 in the entire world! Am I just not looking in the right places? I understand the basis of this question on a core level. When I first came to the conclusion that I needed some professional help to process the grief and loss associated with relinquishment, I actually contacted the agency through which I placed. I'm not quite sure why I did this as they didn't provide me with any counseling prior to the birth and relinquishment of my firstborn but I thought it was a good place to start… [more]