Birth-First Parent

I have been writing on the birth parent blog here at AdoptionBlogs since October 2006. In that time I have written about many issues facing birth parents, adoptive parents, adoptees and expectant parents considering relinquishment. More over, during that time I have fought my way through therapy, had another son, started and finished other jobs, built a name for myself, failed, succeeded, dyed my hair, pierced my nose (a few times), endured a few speed bumps and road blocks in our open adoption relationship, gained and lost a bunch of weight and generally lived life. I have not always been perfect but, really, I have done the best that I could in all of those situations. And now it's time for me… [more]

Mother's Day is on Sunday. For many different mothers, the day can be a difficult one. Even outside of adoption issues, various moms have emotional complications with the day. From death to custody battles to relationship woes, the day can be difficult for so many mothers! We know that within the adoption world, quite a few birth mothers have mixed feelings about the holiday in general. For birth mothers who are actively parenting other children, the day can be one of mixed feelings. A longing for the child you relinquished, a sadness that they are not present mixed with the joy of hugs and kisses from those under your own room. There is joy in being acknowledged for the mothering… [more]

I had the initial strong reaction to Jillian Michaels' comments about wanting to rescue a child via adoption. I had no issue with her desire to avoid pregnancy (though I can understand why some struggling with fertility issues balked at what came across as a casual remark but, as we later found out, wasn't casual at all). My issue was with her word rescue and the implication that all children who are adopted needed saving by their superior adoptive parents. The truth is that words have come and gone in adoption over the years. What was once acceptable is no longer tolerated when it comes to how we describe certain aspects or people in adoption… [more]

I am very excited that the second Open Adoption Book Tour will feature Lifegivers by James Gritter. If you've been a long-time reader of this blog, you know my passion for this book. In fact, you may have read my very long, very detailed series on the book. I'm so excited that other people are going to read this book about the birth parent experience in open adoption. I've read the book three times myself. Why am I so excited about a book I've already read the heck out of, highlighted and rehighlighted and spilled coffee on twice? Because people need to read it. As this is a birth parent blog, I'm going to appeal to my birth parent readers for a… [more]

I've been having some email conversations with a few wonderful birth mothers, all from various stages in their journey and from different eras of adoption. I needed to ask a few questions about birth parents and fear. 1. Something awful will happen to our child. As birth parents, we either decide or are told that our child will be in better care with another family. We trust that or force ourselves to trust that idea. The truth is that sometimes bad things happen even in adoptive families. Abuse and death don't skip over a household just because they have adopted. Many of the mothers I talked to held this fear closely. 2. Their child will be irreparably angry. This is not just a… [more]

I have to admit that the title of a post by a fellow blogger raised my hackles. The question posed was aimed at adoptive parents and asked, without hesitation, "What If Your Child Had Been Raised By His Birth Mother?" It took me a few days to read it but, eventually, I gathered my wits about me and dove in. I have some issues with the thought process of this particular What If game. Over the years, I have learned that most incarnations of the What If game aren't conducive to positive thinking. In fact, they can be quite destructive. One exception that sticks out in my mind as acceptable and positive is the "What If I had never cleaned my… [more]

I just got a new primary care physician. Or, rather, I just got my first non-specialist doctor since 1998. Other than birthing babies and having kidney disease, I haven't had a regular-Joe doctor in over a decade. As I have some new issues popping up, I needed to establish a primary care physician in order to properly obtain a referral so that my insurance company would actually pay for the expensive procedures that await me. A lot of phone calls, tears and two and a half months later and I finally had myself an appointment and a doctor. But I lied to him. I know I'm all for honesty. And, really, I don't like the idea of lying to a doctor because they need… [more]

I'm not always keen on documentaries. In fact, I'm not always keen on movies. I greatly prefer to lose myself in a book. I don't like to sit still for the amount of time watching a movie of any genre requires. A new documentary has me excited though and I do plan to watch it. Entitled Off and Running, the film features an all-star high school runner who just so happens to have been adopted. Avery Klein-Cloud was apparently born in Texas and was adopted by two (white) lesbians. Avery herself is African-American. She lives in Brooklyn and attends a private Jewish school. All kinds of interesting ideas playing into that, right? What caught my eye wasn't the fact that… [more]

The article entitled More on International Adoption: Why U.S. Parents Go Abroad published in Newsweek earlier this month has had me thinking for awhile. I am a firm believer that every adoptive parent (and expectant mother considering placement, for that matter) needs to make the decision that is right for them. Not every parent is cut out to adopt from foster care. Not every adoptive parent can handle the wait and red tape to adopt internationally. Not every parent is able to handle the intricacies of an open adoption. Basically, the article preyed upon the fears that area already so prevalent in the adoption world. Near the end of the article, the author throws the Big Fear out there and all… [more]

There was a time in my adoption journey when I couldn't stand to see birth parents presented as anything but perfect human beings. Movies, fictional books and news articles that played into stereotypes would wind me into a tizzy of epic proportions. I would rant for days on end about the injustice of it all. I'm over it. While I still get upset when legitimate news sources miss the mark on portraying birth parents properly, fictional characterizations of birth parents rarely get me worked up. I had been noticing my changing sensitivity level over the past few years but it really hit me when I read a book last week. Three Weeks to Say Goodbye by CJ Box is a book that would have, at… [more]